I can’t live like this anymore. Is it even living? It’s not even surviving. I’m barely existing. My depression is getting worse again. It was just starting to get somewhat better.
My moods are fluctuating terribly, but there’s been some sort of ‘okay’ in there for a couple weeks. Now it’s all just came down so hard and fast over the last few days. It’s making everything else spiral out of control.
All of the voices are constant, including the Angels. The figures are everywhere. I can’t eat. I barely sleep. I don’t want to leave the house. My suicidal thoughts are overwhelming, and I can’t keep myself from thinking about it all the time.
I’m making everyone miserable. My mum wants to walk out. She can’t cope with me anymore. None of my family can cope with me. I can’t cope with myself. Everything hurts. I can’t control my emotions, there’s too many of them at once and they’re so intense. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore.
My mum tells me to just ‘fight everything’. No matter how many times I tell her it doesn’t work like that, she doesn’t listen. No one listens, and no one understands. I’m terrified of everything all the time. I give up. It’s all too much. I don’t know what else I can do anymore.
I want my family, despite all their ignorance and lack of support, to have what good still resides in their uncorrupted bones to be saved. I want them to have normal lives where they’re not dealing with someone who doesn’t deserve a second thought. And I need to be castaway like the garbage I am. Because there’s no hope for me. Not anymore.
I give up. I can’t get better. I won’t get better. Every piece of help I’ve ever been offered is never enough for me to get better. It’s like everything inside me rejects it. And I think that the only reason I’m so desperate to save is because I can’t be saved myself.
This entire post probably makes no sense and is probably all over the place. But I’m exhausted so oh well
11 comments
JimminyCrispies, I always read your posts, and have been thinking about you lately. I don’t often know what to say to you, and I think I am even more clueless on what to say to you today. But I don’t want to just scroll past this post.
I have to say that I just don’t see how you’re garbage that deserves to be thrown away. I can understand wanting to give up, especially after all of the hardships you’ve endured over these years. But I don’t understand why you blame yourself. Your illness is not your fault. You are wired this way genetically, and you had no hand in deciding that. So how is any of this your fault?
Everyone makes me feel like it’s my fault, and they make it seem as though I’m purposely not trying to get better.
I do deserve to be thrown away. I don’t deserve anything in life. I’m an awful person. I take out things on other people, I treat everyone horribly. Granted, I don’t mean to and I can’t help it. But I still do it, and I know it’s wrong.
It’s my fault my family have to deal with these things when they shouldn’t have to. I’m ruining everyone’s lives, and that is entirely my fault.
You’re lashing out at people because of all of the pressure you’re under. Wouldn’t anyone else do the same?
I lash out for the most stupid things mostly. I get irritable too often, sometimes without any triggers or warning, and I become this person who is nothing but rude for hours at a time.
I lash out when switches are left on, when someone coughs, if they sneeze too many times, when there are two TVs on downstairs, ect. I lash out and say awful things which I only sometimes regret, and I never give anyone an apology for any of it.
Half the time my reasoning for doing this is unknown to myself, and I honestly don’t care that I don’t know or that there isn’t a valid reason.
When I’m under a lot of stress little things annoy me and it’s easy to get angry, I get annoyed easily and I can take it out on others. It takes effort but I try and be aware of that and not react negatively but it takes effort and I’m pretty lazy.
Sorry to hear that Jim try hang In there
What small thing can you do for yourself?
JiminyCrispies, I don’t know if you work or worked in comics or as a concept or character artist in some other creative industry or whatever. But regardless, I want to say that I think you have reached the level where you should.
I’ve always wanted to work in comics, but my problem is most of the time it takes me too long to complete a single piece as my concentration and attention span is awful. For quite a while now I’ve only be able to sit for 15-20 minutes before I need to do something completely unrelated to art, and I won’t go back to the drawing for another 1-7 days. So this fact will hinder whatever type of job I get – if any.
Despite knowing I’ll most likely never work in comics, I can still dream of it.
Look up at this if you ever have time (and interest in it): www. progressiveboink. com/2012/4/21/2960508/worst-rob-liefeld-drawings
Imho, if you want to do comics you could simplify your style for it. I remember watching your deadpool drawing and it had so many details that i’m pretty sure those eat up a huge chunk of time. I know a couple of local comic illustrators (only one does major stuff), and… honestly? they aren’t the most proficient fellas i’ve ever met. So even if you get 1 page drawn at a day, it might still be doable, good art does take a lot of time.
Makes sense to me, I just try to get through one day and it seems to help
“… makes no sense and is probably all over the place.”
Haha… Nope. I’ve always just been a lurker on this site. Your post inspired me to actually get a username and respond on here.
Your post sounds much like me. There are some folks that are just naturally good at cooking a fine dish. There are some people who learn how to cook a fine dish. Then there people who can barely make a bowl of cereal.
That’s me, except with life.
I suck at “life.” I don’t know how else to describe. I suck at it. I’ve tried to “get a life” and miserably failed so many times, I’ve lost count… and I’ve just completely run out of steam to try again.
If my life was a movie, I’d have walked out about 15 minutes into it.