I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.
I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able to calm myself. It was peaceful, high, and I realized I had no physical pain in this moment.
I reevaulated. I didnt want to regret having chickened out. I wanted this all to end. I still don’t know if I should have. I just feel it wouldn’t make any difference. I can always die later, and if I escaped pain in that moment, maybe there are still things to try. At this point, it still wasnt too late to turn back.
It sank in that I wouldn’t be following through today. I wasnt emotional, anxious, lost in though, empty- I just felt kind of disappointed. As I was about to turn across the train tracks, I saw a couple walking a dog, going towards the spot I had just left.
People are everywhere, it’s awful.
It seems it turned out to be a good idea to turn around in any case. I will need to think of a new spot, or I will need to remember how terrifying that step was.
I still am not sure, but I’m sure my resolve will strengthen one way or the other. Something must give.
8 comments
Do you need to talk to someone? Im here if you want to talk.
The part where you said “People are everywhere… It’s awful” reminded me of some similar experiences I’ve had.
It seems impossible to find privacy during such intensely personal moments.
Although I’m on the verge of having a similar crisis, I still wish you the best and am glad you stayed.
Thank you.
I’m grateful I got to experience this moment before anyone interrupted.
I don’t know how your pain is, Cordless, but I wonder. Mine comes and goes. When I feel it, I go a bit mental. Today I found myself digging into the skin behind my ear with the edge of my nail, trying to distract my body from the worser of the pain, as my family talked amongst themselves. It looked like I was just resting my head, maybe scratching my ear.
My thoughts eventually turn bleak. If I was in pain by the water, maybe I wouldn’t be here. It was a decent night, though.
Yes People are everywhere and they are programmed to save you if they feel your life is in danger. So yeah when you are about to do something like this. People interrupting become the big thing you have to deal with. I have had people save me from being just inches away from death a few times and it pisses me off. Lol. I few times I really wanted to go and was so close to a peaceful death but somebody came and rescued me (against my will) and well. I am still here.
I wish you the best. I hope somehow your life will turn around and you will have better days ahead of you.
You say you are in pain. Is it physical or mental? You say you were no longer in pain, what did you mean by that.
Glad you are still among the living even if it is only temporary.
Thank you.
I’m grateful I got to experience this moment before anyone interrupted.
I don’t know how your pain is, Cordless, but I wonder. Mine comes and goes. When I feel it, I go a bit mental. Today I found myself digging into the skin behind my ear with the edge of my nail, trying to distract my body from the worser of the pain, as my family talked amongst themselves. It looked like I was just resting my head, maybe scratching my ear.
My thoughts eventually turn bleak. If I was in pain by the water, maybe I wouldn’t be here. It was a decent night, though.
Whoops, meant to post a reply and am not sure how to delete a post x(
And I have physical pain that is somewhat uncomfortable even to explain.
I contracted chlamydia a little more than 2 years ago. Now I have urethral pain on occassion, like when it’s cold- Im trying to determine other triggers.
I’m not contagious in the least.
That is to say, I was cured within a few months.
Now I may have something anatomically wrong with me. They’re not sure- there was a camera that couldnt find anything. It all looks normal.
Not feeling able to explain this to everyday coworkers or friendly acquaintances makes this all the more psychologically difficult to handle.