every time I wake up, the very first sentence is ” I hate living”.
Today it was “Am I dead yet ?”
I got a roof and something to eat, but I spend all my time alone here in my room. But it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel good doing everything I want with no one here to see me.
Yesterday I was really ready to kill myself, something deep down drove me to take a damn knife and end it all, but then I couldn’t.
I called some line where you can talk but the person didn’t said anything that hasn’t be said.
I want to end it all, I want to let me go, but I have a family that cares for me, I got some friends who would care for me I think.
I have to possibility to end it with a gun which I prefer personally. So it feels like the guns at home are mocking me.
2 comments
You have friends. You have a family that cares for you. I have almost no friends and sometimes I am scared by my own family as my social anxiety is really bad. I feel empty and sometimes very tense and frustrated. I suffer from chronic fatigue. Most of the time I have no desire nor energy to do anything. Yet, I choose to live. I choose to live this dream called life. I like to sleep, to wake up in the morning, smoke my cigarette and read sp. I have a friend who truly cares about me. He is from Great Britain. I am from Romania. But we are friends.
I think that either you are very frustrated right now and maybe in some sort of agony either you see death as a sweet dream.
I have no desire to die. I am too empty inside. But I feel relaxed. I hope you will feel relaxed, too, tranquil and live this dream called life.
I have to say it’ll chime with most here that sentiment of waking up and saying ‘I hate living’. Yet people who don’t feel like we do can’t understand us, like I wonder what it must be like to be them and wake up saying ‘I love life’. It’s hard to explain that, even without a reason, we can have a feeling of utter despondency to the point of wishing to end it to someone who hasn’t felt it too. Yes, you mention you have things to be thankful for like a roof, but that’s not the point, mental well being is so important to a good life. I hope you can find a way to keep going, perhaps utilising your family who care about you.