I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe so that I can just get it out of my system now and have something for other people to read after I’m dead. Maybe for some other reason. I don’t know.
My history with suicide is filled with twists and turns. Ever since I was ten years old, I could tell that I wasn’t normal and that no matter what I tried, I would never be able to fit in with other people due to my inconsistent and abnormal disposition. This idea stemmed from the fact that throughout my life as a child, I never really had any friends. There was one boy that I frequently hung out with and whom other people would call my friend, but the truth was that I didn’t really like him much and neither did he like me. We were really only friends because the both of us were loners. And actually, even as his friend, he frequently defaulted to hanging out with other people first and I was really just his fallback in case his other friends got annoyed with him and kicked him out of their group for the day. Always being alone and never being compelling enough as a character to warrant friends or otherwise was a great source of suffering for me throughout elementary and middle school, but what compounded this suffering even more during those days was my inability to effectively articulate the things that I was experiencing.
Flash forward to high school and while there were slight changes in the way I received by my peers, the theme of un-affiliation persisted. However, it was during high school that I realized that while I failed at academics and being socially successful, I was good at tasks related to various forms of combat and strategy. My aptitude for fighting in tandem with my more frequent thoughts of suicide, caused me to consider joining the most dangerous branches of the military and/or police agencies in the country. At the tail end of my senior year, I had intended to enlist with the United States Marine Corp or the LAPD (with aspirations to eventually become a part of the SWAT unit there). I should note that neither of these decisions were motivated by patriotism or a sense of justice; I just wanted to fight an enemy, serve my squad (or department) and then later die an unheroic and unmemorable death afterwards.
But then a miracle happened and I ended up meeting someone who was interested in me and actually cared to invest her time into me (three years later I would find out that all of this was motivated by fear and sex, rather than interest). Having a girlfriend–especially one like her–taught me many things and changed my life. I thought less about fighting, more about the arts (writing in particular) and I turned away from a career in the military or the police and decided upon pursuing a degree in Nutritional Science. I did just that. I went to Community College, performed much better there than I did in High School, and got my Associates Degree.
Right when this happened, said girlfriend left me for another man. I was devastated, but didn’t really revert back to my old ways just yet. Nearly right after she left me, another miracle happened and I ended up becoming intimate with another girl–by accident actually–who changed my life further. But less than year later, we stopped talking and because I said some very rash things to her, we will never be able to speak again.
That was a year ago. It’s been six years since I graduated from high school and here I am again, with thoughts of the military and suicide encircling my thoughts. But unlike my high school self, my mind has become much more refined and in turn, I’m more firmly grounded in reality. I now know for instance, that when I die, everything–all that I hold dear and all the things I’ve ever thought about doing–will vanish. Even the mere idea of me will cease to be after my immediate family members die off and when that happens, the only evidence that I’ll have ever existed will be the scant amounts of administrative info from the schools I’ve attended and well, this, I guess. I will truly be dead then.
You may be tempted into thinking that I don’t deserve such a thing, but I would have to argue otherwise (and if you knew me, you would too). Not everyone deserves to have a happy ending to their life, especially people like me, who will never be culturally acceptable and are burdensome on my family and my peers.
The silver lining to all of this, I suppose, is that the military will find me useful. And as soon as I graduate with my bachelors and do the JET program for two years, I plan on joining whatever is the most dangerous branch of military (Marines?). After I’ve accumulated a good enough resume, I’d like to move onto more elite sectors, such as the Special Forces or the Navy Seals. Overall, I don’t expect to live beyond three years, especially since I plan on immediately killing myself in the event that I become too injured to fight. Also, before I go, I plan on raising enough money to cover funeral expenses and pay back whatever debts I owe. I’m going to arrange a will and ask that no memorial service be provided for me; I would hate to burden my family any more than I already have.
4 comments
Is it weird that I’m crying as I read your story? You’ve been through so much. Honestly, I have my utmost respect to those who are in the military regardless whether it’s for the love of the country or just because. You actually think of your family and everything even after you die. Makes me feel like a sham. (Not your fault, it’s just an opinion of me)
One question: Is it possible to plan a suicide for more than a year?
I would say so. Some people (like me) want to get certain things out of the way before we die, and we also want to arrange for certain things as well. In a situation like that, you want to commit suicide, but the decision is more well-thought out and not as spontaneous, in fact, it might be several years until you end it all.
If I did in the military, it won’t technically be suicide though.
Sorry to hear you feel that way u have a lot of strength in u to even plan on living that long to do the training and so on I thought of just doing it to die but it seems like a long time to just want to end it anyways
I guess you could say that. But you have to remember that I have an aptitude for combat. While it’s true that I would be joining under the expectation that I would eventually be killed, I’m also joining so I can feel useful for once and just be “in my element.”