I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite this serious about it before. I’ve known I wanted to die since I can remember, even as a child. I’ve been toying with methods since I was twelve. I’ve come close out of anger and extreme sadness, apathy. But I don’t know if I’ve ever been this practical about it. It’s surreal. Like, okay, this is really it. You will cease to exist now. Everyone will still be there and you won’t be. You won’t know how everyone will get on.
It’s kind of like Andy Warhol said. He would rather watch every party he’s invited to on a monitor in his bedroom. I don’t want to be here, but it’s hard to give up all awareness.
I feel sick being around my family. They have literally no idea. But I really can’t stay, I’ve gone over it a thousand times, my entire life. I think you know you’re not supposed to be here when it wouldn’t matter what type of life you had. I don’t want to be happy. I want to be dead.
4 comments
Hi fitzgerald, how are you doing tonight? Are you still around?
Still kicking, thanks for asking 🙂
Excellent. Well carry on then.
Omigosh, yes!! I don’t want to ‘die’ per se – I just want to float around, watching everybody else, but have no physical existence of my own. Wow, someone else who feels this way!