Every professional I have seen always ask if you hear voices and I’m not sure how to answer. What constitutes as a voice, I talk to my self in my head all day and sometimes I tell my self to do things I know are against everything I have been taught but yet I still do them. You go so long not doing drugs or drinking then one day you hit a new low and you end up buying the things you know will end up hurting you and others. They tell you not to leave your house even though you need to make money to pay your bills and to live your life. You find a job you love where you can finally help people and you feel like you finally found what you’re supposed to do but yet after a while the dream slips and you end up no better off than you where when this all started.
You love your family you want to be the best you can be but in the end you find some way to mess up. You find a therapist that you genuinely like and then you get a letter in the mail telling you that they are leaving the practice and that there is only one other person you can see. It sucks starting over spilling your heart and soul to a person just to have them leave and have to start over, people tell you that you where doing so well when you were on your medications and when you try to go back and try to get better it seems something gets in the way.
One thing I have found out about my self is I have an addictive personality and I can’t take things in moderation, if it’s drinking I can’t have just one I have to have it all, if it’s dieting I take it to the point where I don’t eat and get it’s to the point where it’s dangerous then that ends and you absorb your self with the next thing that comes along. You tell yourself no but the voices tell you to and you argue with your self but it never works you just get more upset and end up doing it anyway. You take your job so serious that when something happens you blame yourself and you make it your fault and it eats away at you. You care so much about the people you take care of and you try to make their lives the best they can be, when they smile you smile when they laugh you laugh and you see them grow as people and you know that you did your job and you made their life just a little better, but you go home and you get caught in the same cycle every day and night and nothing changes.
They tell you that you messed up, you do one thing wrong and it’s the end of the world, they tell you that you need to give up and you should just end it but apart of you does not want to but yet you have no say in anything. You end up making huge mistakes that you can’t come back from.
I just want it to stop I just want it to end. I am sick of going threw the same rotations and never finding the right solution and honestly I don’t think it will ever come.
I love my family and I want them to know that I try my best and I really do put forth the effort but when you have had enough and just want to disappear and never be found and all you want is peace and quiet then maybe they will understand that there is no fixing what is already gone.
Love A.B.A