I’m new here. Excuse my bad grammar skills.
also apologies for the extremely long first post.
I’ve been creeping a couple days now not as a member reading some of the posts and although sad, they made me feel home. There’s a couple things i want to get off my chest personally because i feel as though i cant go to anyone. my family is not the lovey dovey type, i didn’t grow up with mandatory family time, my parents and siblings were not involved in my personal life, And i’m not here to complain or whine, i did not grow up neglected but i just never felt comforted or important. I’m 20 years old i’ve been on my own since 16 although i live with my dad’ since i was 16 everything was on me there were no more hand outs, no more money for clothes and if i didn’t come home in time for dinner i had to buy something myself, now i feel like its great because there are some people i know personally that were coddled and now cant walk across the street without a hand to hold, some older than i am. now everyone’s different people go through different things but i’m envious of the fact that they had a family who takes them seriously a family who held their hand and guided them. i have on occasion expressed to my mother, father, and sisters that i’ve felt depressed and suicidal but the answer is always the same. ” Why amanda ? whats so bad in your life that you want to die? you work you support yourself you’re young! stop overreacting everything isnt that bad get over yourself.” and in my head all these years i’ve felt. WHY!? why does something have to be wrong with you ,or your life for you to feel depressed or suicidal? ive read blogs on here with people who have said themselves they have a lovely life but still feel empty so why is it that everyone i encounter says “oh if you are upset reach out someone will listen people love you” if this is so true! why is it that whenever i express how i feel to someone they ONLY listen to respond ? why is it that the only thing they hear is “all the possibilities” that i could have with myself and my life? why do they not understand that i don’t feel as though anything is possible in my life. i grew up in a small city, most of the people who i went to school with are now in college or have a full time job a car or children. although i know deep in my brain that having children young can complicate things part of me wishes it would happen so that some part of me wouldn’t doubt the possibility of someone loving me. i have a boyfriend yes, he is wonderful in every aspect hes caring and sweet but i still cannot fully accept, or believe that he loves me, i look around and i see people happy in relationships with nice things and it looks like they have everything under control and nothing is wrong and its beyond me how they manage to do it. i work part time i have to buy my food pay rent and whatever else the house needs and i live paycheck to paycheck. sometimes i feel as though i shouldn’t try because whats the point? i will never be able to achieve any goals. my list of goals stopped after graduating high school. i’m lost i don’t know where to go or who to look for. i didnt have $50 a pop to apply for colleges, my parents didnt take college as a serious option for me, and i know like any father my dad would probably love to see it i personally cant picture it. i dont see myself being succsessful owning a house one day or a family let alone be married . my entire life is run by my fear and my fear holds hands with my depression its a never ending cycle i do have happy days though some where nothing could ruin my happiness but they are slim and most of the time passing moments.. i began seeing a psych and she said i was bi polar i eventually couldnt afford to see her anymore so hello square one, no diagnosis, no help, still clueless. and i know im sitting here on my bed pouring my heart out about a bunch of fears that run through my head and half of this probably doesnt even flow together but ive been alone with my thoughts for a long time, and i just cant take it anymore. suicide sounds great and all, but i couldn’t leave all my insecurities behind on the shoulders of my loved ones, its too permanent, its too irreversible, and that’s what truly scares me.
4 comments
Hello 🙂
Welcome here.
I read your post and I feel like you…in several things you said.
If you can pay for your living and already work, I suggest you try to live in another city so you can see the world is much bigger than where you are. There are other people with whom you can connect. Even here at PS you will find nice good friends.
After that, if you still decide for suicide you have my support.
If you want write me:
Mynicesuicide@gmaildotcom
*hugs*
Welcome.
I’m Jack. Blind Jack Cotton.
I hope you find what you need here. And if not, well, what MyNiceSuicide said. I second that motion.
It is hard to love yourself as if you were loving someone else, somebody more important to you. I don’t know how to but if so, it would be a sure fire relief of some depression, and things would get done or change easier. If folks discovered how to be their own cheerleader and coach, advisor and counselor, then sage advice would just be advice. I suppose the world wouldn’t be very diverse in population! If I had the energy it would be easier. It’s a vicious cycle and hard to identify the triggers for the blues. Gratitude for life is sometimes hard. Sometimes I read about the atrocities in history and today because imagining a different world and feeling better about mine …it is humbling. To see someone with nothing who has lost everything…smiling and fighting makes me want to . For me the daily grind,well,grinds away at my awareness. There are times where a moment or something that makes me smile changes my mood for the better, but the norm is down. The melancholy folks must find recreation, spirituality, and if possible professional treatment. Avoid chemicals and that’s not just illicit stuff. Our world is a veritable chemical experiment, crap food and things I can’t pronounce can be profoundly influential to chemical levels in the noggin. If folks treated themselves like athletes, things would be different. It is a battle but one sometimes worth struggling for to push against depression. Times are scary and deflating, it is truly noble of you to consider the impact of taking matters into your own hands. Fight it! You never know how awesome your life may become if you wait for it and build until then. And if you find out how to do all that, tell me your secret !
I’ve been through those nights where I can’t get my brain to be quiet .
At 20 you do have a lot of time to find that right person. As for me my time has ended. I didn’t get married just to be married. I was waiting for the right one to come along and now because I waited, women treat me as if I have the plague. They look at me like if no other woman would marry him there must be something wrong, so why do you (me) think I (women) would take a chance on you.
Good night and God bless.