Dreaming of death

Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.

I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.

Thursday 4/14/16

I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. It was so depressing, that i drank one beer, and walked back to the room. I began drinking and after an hour and a half, I walked back to the bar. There were more people. Some even dancing. At one point in the night, I noticed that a woman was possibly trying to get my attention, but I was drunk and lonely. I just thought I would turn around and see Jane. Her look, her smell and taste were never there and so at 2am I left the bar. I staggered and even fell. I didn’t care. Hoping to get hurt or die.

Friday 4/15/16

I collapsed on the bed. I awoke cold because I had left the AC on. Then as I awoke, Jane called. It lifted my spirits tremendously. I was still drunk and felt the lingering effects of the pill, so I skateboarded. I fell several times and again I didn’t care. I would get a call from her and her voice was so sweet. We decided to meet. We did some business, that in the end, I felt used for. We ate, we looked for music and a movie to watch together. She said she loved me but didn’t want to reciprocate any feeling that I showed physical or worded. Instead, she grabbed my arm when I hugged her. This was like a test for her and torture for me. There she was, in front of me, I could not have her. When she did touch me, I felt such respite. When we hugged I felt so rested. But the night closed and I was not invited to stay. I had been too forward and looked like I was rejected again.

Saturday 4/16/16

That night, I had nyquil to try and rest but instead had the most vivid nightmare. It was of Jane kicking me out. When I awoke, I was in a state of shock. I got dressed and took my bike. I ended up sitting on the stairs of a church. Hoping that hearing her voice will ground me, she finally called back. She could tell I was sad and she tried to cheer me up. Hugging me, caressing my arms leaving me a small note. I missed our connection. We even saw a small apartment together. Of course as the I dropped her off, again she reiterated her feelings of staying apart. She in a sense had been so kind because she loved me but was not in love with me.

Today, I am going to attempt sobriety, to mach her new sober and fitness lifestyle. Of course I am also doing it because it has caused years of wasted time, horrible times and lastly, losing Jane. But, I also have noticed the bar rod in the closet, and constantly continue thinking of hanging myself. The pain I feel is almost too much to bear if I know that a person I have known for 10 years will leave me for another.