Help

I’ve been struggling with my depression for years but it’s never gotten this incapacitating. In the past year I’ve spiraled downwards, anxiety striking every chance it gets, invasive thoughts running wild any time I wasn’t able to distract myself. The only thing that kept me sane has been my girlfriend. The most amazing, down to earth, just perfect person I’ve ever met. I was ready to marry her, I’d give my life for her. We were doing great (or so it seemed to me) until spring break trip where I was forced to go with my family and have the worst time id had in a long time. On the ride home, she told me she didn’t know if she’d be able to see me when I get back, I asked her what she thought about our relationship, and she went on to tell me that she hadn’t been feeling anything for me for a long time. I haven’t been able to go to class since. I’m pushing everything away and trying to pull myself out of this anxiety filled depression but every time a happy thought passes through my mind it’s immediately replaced by just a pure sadness that makes me not want to move. I nearly killed myself once, but funny enough a computer game stopped me. So now here I am avoiding class again, screaming crying in my truck. I’m being given good opportunities for college and I’m throwing them away because I can’t make myself do anything and all that stress is pouring in making everything even worse. I just don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t bring myself to end it. I’m a coward.