from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few weeks after.
When I read those lines I can see what a happy person I was despite my issues. That I treated that attempt as a small forgetable issue then an illness that is slowly consuming me. Today… well I am “just another Cutty McSobsalot” trying to get by.
Well that 19 year old didn’t know what would come to them in the years to follow. Friends lying to you up to a point they drove you to another attempted suicide – Parents not accepting of who you are on the inside and more setbacks. But such is life
I wondered if I became a better person? And… yes I did. Back then it was this weird transitioning time from the “schoolyard”-like mindset, tons of prejudices and slight narcacism.
in 7 years I met so many People, made so many friends and have read and listened to even more expieriences, my own included, that it made me a more knowledgeable, attentive and caring Person that happens to be waist deep in depression and low self esteem.
Yes, I still want to die. But not because the world hated me, as I thought so many years back. Today… it’s just the saturated loneliness and emotional pain seeping through my body. The insecurity causing anxieties and paranoia.
I wish I could visit my friends as a ghost… or whatever. IF I happen to finally kick the bucket by my own hand. In the meantime… well just wanna have a little fun.
Oh, and the diary is going to burn… as much as I want to keept it. I feel I need closure from that 19 year old.
Thanks for reading
B_L
2 comments
Hey, B_L…I wanted you to know that I read your post. I can understand the loneliness and pain. This site can help a bit with the loneliness.
I was gonna make a post asking about if people write diaries and if/how they get rid of them but I chickened out.
But yeah I literally burn mine when I’m done, its nice to look back but they make me cringe