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It’s all so meaningless

by tryingtohope

Thanks to those who responded to my first post. It was nice to be heard.

It was another horrible morning. I wake up in so much physical and emotional pain. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

Sometimes when I’m out in my car I just want to close my eyes and let my car soar off the edge of the road or something. I wonder if in that instant of being airborne I would have regrets and want to go back.

This is probably the only place I can say it: one of the reasons I haven’t done it yet is because I’m afraid I’m gonna live and end up paralyzed and in a nursing home. I’m afraid that if I try to commit suicide and fail, I’ll get put in a mental hospital.

The truth is, I just want to be by myself and I know that if I try to commit suicide I’ll lose that. I’ll have people around me all the time. And as an extreme introvert, having people around all the time is about as close to hell as I could get.

But I just hurt so much and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do another day of this hellish life.

I am so tired of chit chat and small talk and meaningless comments like, “I understand what you’re going through” and “hang in there, it will get better.” I want to say, “How do you know it will get better. Do you have some crystal ball for seeing my future?” Why should I think it will get better? It’s been crappy for so long, there’s no reason to think it’s going to change.

I don’t really expect anyone to have answers. But it’s nice to have a place to say it without fear of being judged.

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4 comments

rocketman 4/22/2016 - 9:46 pm

tryingtohope, No small talk from me, yes i have my days too! yes life is meaningless in the end for the most part, but who cares? that’s reality right, what’s important is to just deal with it for yourself, while your here smell the flowers instead of just wanting to crash and burn.

saudade07 4/22/2016 - 9:49 pm

chronic physical pain is exhausting. your body expends so much energy just trying to cope with the constant pain, and it just wears on a person. for me, each day is a different level of hell and my pain level is never near anything acceptable to continue fighting. days when prescription narcotics don’t touch the pain are always the longest. i found great comfort when i began researching how the body works and what suicide methods are the most reliable and successful. with today’s modern medicines, it’s just not like in the movies, where someone grabs a bottle of anything and drifts off in a moment.

i would never insult anyone by telling them it will get better. it’s just not realistic. everybody’s situation is different and no one can read the future.

i do acknowledge your struggle with the pain.

Ant1983 4/22/2016 - 11:04 pm

marijuana has a lot of healing properties and very good for pains… might be worth ago if it is something you are able to get hold of? My mum is on god knows how many tablets aday and still nothing works for her and my lake of faith in the system led me to do some of my own research and now she just has a little half ( a few drags) in the morning and she has felt so much better since

tryingtohope 4/23/2016 - 1:21 am

Thanks for getting my pain. Yes, it saps my energy. It makes ever activity an effort. It makes me not want to get up and even try.

And yet the flower reference in rocketmans post is so good. Because my flowers are the only ones who still need me. They need me to water them and cut them. And in return they give me little smiles. I call them pansy smiles.

I don’t see how to post a photo. Can someone direct me to where to click. if I can figure it out I will post a pansy smile photo on Saturday. Thanks

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