Thanks to those who responded to my first post. It was nice to be heard.
It was another horrible morning. I wake up in so much physical and emotional pain. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
Sometimes when I’m out in my car I just want to close my eyes and let my car soar off the edge of the road or something. I wonder if in that instant of being airborne I would have regrets and want to go back.
This is probably the only place I can say it: one of the reasons I haven’t done it yet is because I’m afraid I’m gonna live and end up paralyzed and in a nursing home. I’m afraid that if I try to commit suicide and fail, I’ll get put in a mental hospital.
The truth is, I just want to be by myself and I know that if I try to commit suicide I’ll lose that. I’ll have people around me all the time. And as an extreme introvert, having people around all the time is about as close to hell as I could get.
But I just hurt so much and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do another day of this hellish life.
I am so tired of chit chat and small talk and meaningless comments like, “I understand what you’re going through” and “hang in there, it will get better.” I want to say, “How do you know it will get better. Do you have some crystal ball for seeing my future?” Why should I think it will get better? It’s been crappy for so long, there’s no reason to think it’s going to change.
I don’t really expect anyone to have answers. But it’s nice to have a place to say it without fear of being judged.