My life is a complete failure. I have failed by every standard I or anyone else can devise. I have failed as a human being.
And that hurts. Any contact with other people inevitably opens me up to comparison, and I always fall short. Knowing that the best I can hope for from anyone is pity. And I stress myself out a huge amount, trying to figure out ways I can somehow measure up.
But the truth is, there is no way, and there never was. I was always several steps behind, with a disposition to turn my inadequacies into neurotic obsessions, and hamper myself further. And now it’s done. There’s no way to catch up to normalcy from where I am.
So I’m going to try and let go, of the idea of a ‘normal’ life. Of being loved, having real friends, being part of a community. Of being accepted as I am, by anyone.
Instead, I’m going to try and face the reality of who and what I really am. Cruel, callous, selfish, cynical, cowardly, deceitful, vain, lazy, pathetic, repulsive, worthless. But also sometimes sensitive, kind, thoughtful, idealistic, self-aware & compassionate. I’ll never be good enough for anyone else. But I won’t be completely evil and dastardly either. I’ll just be my own brand of trivial, casual wickedness, mixed with the odd bit of altruism when I feel like it.
Because that’s who I am. I am a failure. I am a loser. I’m really not a good person. I’ll never be good enough to be part of society, or acceptable to others. But I’m still here, right now, alive, breathing. And that’s still precious to me, even if I’m completely alone.
By any standards I’ve failed at ‘the game of life’. So I’m done trying to play that game. I’m awful at it. Time to start making some new rules.
11 comments
Thehusk: I havent seen you around in a while. Gosh you are in bad shape. Where have you been?
Hey HDS. I’ve been around, though possibly at different times than before. I finally quit my job a few months back, so it’s just possible I may be sliding back into a state of anxiety induced hermitude. On the plus side though, I have been spending a lot more time outside, cutting down trees and other gardening stuff. Which seems healthy. This post was actually me trying to be kind of positive, though reading it back I can see why that didn’t come across.
” I have failed as a human being.” you can’t fail as a human being there are no standards.
You may not like what you have done?
It’s possible you didn’t mean this the way I am interpreting it, but still, 100 thumbs up for this comment.
rocketman nailed it.
Yes he did.
Wow, I actually agree with rocketman about something! 😉
(Hee.)
I accept there are no external, objective standards for being a human (excepting any gods you may believe in.) But there are many standards that we hold each other to, some societal, some biological, and I have failed pretty much all of them. This post was me trying to come to terms with that.
I’m actually really happy for you, husk, as weird as that may sound. It gives me a kind of pain in my chest to think that you think so lowly of yourself, but I of all people do not have room to critique your low self-esteem. I am not about to tell you that you are right about being worthless or a loser. But I am going to tell you that, either way, whether you’re wrong or right about yourself, you know yourself better than I do. So I’m not about to argue with you. And, minus the “loser” and “worthless” bits (I don’t think anybody is worthless and even if some people are, you’ve helped me and many others here a lot, and that already rules out you being worthless. I also believe that you can’t really be a loser in a game where there are no rules) the way you characterized yourself is extreme, but it isn’t too extreme. You’ve recognized your virtues as well as your vices, and I’m glad you did. Some people don’t even do that. So I’m not going to try to debate you.
I’m actually really happy that your life is precious to you. Because it is precious. And I’m glad that you won’t be ending it anytime soon. And I’m hoping that this path that you’re going down now is an easier one for you. I hope that it’s less painful. And who knows. Along the way you might start to see yourself in a better light.
Thanks whiskered-fish. I really appreciate that.
When I say ‘worthless’, I don’t mean that I’ve never done anything good. Just that it’s so massively outweighed by the bad, to an extent I can never really change, (even if I felt motivated to do so), that it seems kind of insignificant when judging my character.
And by ‘loser’ I meant by the standards of society (and possibly biology.) By any conventional measure of a ‘good life’, I have failed. And rather than spend the rest of my life regretting that, or making myself miserable trying to figure out a way I can somehow measure up, I’m trying to force myself to accept it, and focus on what I want to do instead.
The trouble is figuring out how to survive in a society when you’re not really part of it, without slipping back into trying to conform.
i really understand how you feel cuz i feel exactly the same, you expressed it better than i ever could. i am an unlovable person but i am not thoughtful. i mean my mind is blank. but 1 thing i figured out is some people are overly capricious , demanding and unrealistic. They’re the type of people that you will try to please but they will never please you. So trying to be perfect to their demanding standars is a huge mistake to make. I’ve regreted trying to be liked by others. I think you have regreted it too. It’s better to STAY OFF those people and MAYBE JUST MAYBE HOPE THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL NOT CARE ABOUT THE LEVEL OF YOUR PERFECTION BUT CARE FOR YOUR KIND SOUL INSTEAD. 🙂