can someone help me? if you come across this post, please read the whole thing. i feel really stuck.
theres a lot of reasons why i finally accepted I’m suicidal. I’ve tried to kill myself before but i was too weak to do it. i was scared and i couldn’t stop thinking about my mom finding me. i feel like it would be the easiest way to deal with life, i honestly feel like if i was dead everything would be so much better and specially i wouldn’t have to worry about anything. if i died i don’t care what happens i just hope that i don’t live eternally stuck in the ground in my own soul or something dumb like that.
but yeah is it selfish to kill yourself? i just kind of don’t care about what the handful of people in my life would think. i just know it would be easier and no one would have to deal with me anymore. i stress everyone out i make life harder for everyone I’m just in this whole world’s way. i can’t stand living and not ever being genuinely happy. i can’t stand living life by just accepting what i am and what my life is. i try to change my life but it is just never going to change. i know ill always be insecure, unsatisfied, and unhappy for a really long time.
and what does it mean if i constantly think “i have to kill myself already” but i haven’t? is that me being too scared to do it like do i actually want to live? i was so excited to see what my life will consist of but as i keep accepting every day and as i keep waking up and doing my life and then going to bed to do it all over again, it just seems like i would be better off if i didn’t exist. i shouldn’t exist. i just shouldn’t have. like why? for what do i have to suffer this life for? i haven’t filled any purposes i haven’t done anything to make myself worthwhile of a life to be kept. and all the reasons that i have read or been told to not kill myself just aren’t good enough like they are bullshit. its always about changing and being more positive and optimistic and no one else can change your life but you but why the fuck do i find it so hard to actually do all those things? finding something i like? finding something to be happy about?
like fuck i finally got the courage to get out of my toxic relationship and that was only three days ago. but this is actually for sure like over. the other times i told myself it was over i always went back to him, but not this time. he’s one of the main reasons i feel like i should kill myself. but more importantly its all me i make myself realize how i have nothing to give out to this world. plus this world is so fucked i can’t stand another day.
I’m only 18
4 comments
Welcome to SP Soulost. 18 can be a tough age. It was for me. Congrats on getting out of a toxic relationship. Try to spend some time with just yourself, your thoughts and ideas…write them down. Try to find the things that make you smile. Don’t give up on the world just yet. We are a good bunch for support here so feel free to post and comment.
Hi soul lost. Finished reading ur post. Maybe now ur out of the relationship u might find sone clarity and maybe a way forward. Dont stress out, im 40 in 23 days and haven’t really achieved a damn thing, well nothing important anyway. Im sure you’ve had an impact on people u dont even realise, and as time goes on, things will start improving. Hope this doesnt sound like lip service but hang in there, keep posting. And take care of yrsrlf. There are good people here. Welcome.
When I was 18, I became suicidal for the first time. I believe that there’s something that happens with a young mind and causes a lot of distress. It’s been two years now and things has gotten better. Really. I have a good job and I have graduated from the school I hated so much. I can relate to you. I had two toxic relationships, one of which had to end by itself, and the second one which continues to this day but it is not toxic anymore as I have stopped giving a fuck and become self-focused. It’s good that you were able to finish it. Now you are back on your feet. You don’t need to rush but try not to let past slip into your present. One step back may cost you a lot.
You will not find the true happiness and I understand that you are fed up with futile promises of a better life or people telling you what you should do. But getting better is just a matter of time. One day you will walk and find something you like or the thing which will be exciting for you. I don’t know when it will happen but it does happen for many people. Chances are that you are experiencing a huge storm of hormones and it will go away one day. Give yourself a break. Take things slowly. Start thinking about things which surround you. Go outside in the morning and breathe fresh air.
It’s not selfish to kill oneself but your failure may be a nail in the coffin of your current life, health, social status (because people who suffer from depression are stigmatized). Think twice before you try it. You may like to try counselling, but you’d better find a decent therapist because psychologists may mess up with you. You may try medicines, however I encourage you to try a personalized behavioral or cognitive therapy instead of putting yourself on medicines.
Those things are my personal thoughts. You seem to be really sad. I’m no prophet but I believe that you will get better as the time will pass.
Hi, soulost. I wanted to let you know I read your whole post. I really empathized with what you said about wondering why you even had to be brought into existence. Even at my best, happiest moments it just doesn’t seem worth it to have been born.
In my opinion, suicide at its very core has to do with the person killing themselves and what they want for themselves and their life. Maybe this does make it selfish. But, unless you are religious and believe that your life is ordained by a higher power(s), your life belongs to you and only you. So I think that suicide maybe is selfish, but I don’t think that that necessarily makes it wrong. (Which is not to say that it wouldn’t have an impact on those around you, because it certainly would, and it’s still important to take into account.)
A lot of people think about killing themselves every day and still haven’t (myself included). It might be partly out of fear, or hope, or worry about hurting other people, or just generally about not having everything in order. I don’t really know what to say about what it means, because there are a lot of contributing factors in not actively trying to kill yourself every day.
It’s good that you got out of a toxic relationship. I hope you can be proud of yourself for a big thing like that. This might or might not be helpful, but if you keep going and don’t kill yourself, it could prove to you and/or the person who treated you badly that they can’t hurt you that much.
I disagree with the commenter who said it was just some hormones. I started being suicidal at 14 and it’s been more than a year and I’m not better, but the one time I tried to reach out I was told I was just hormonal, too. Hormones don’t make you depressed and/or suicidal for months on end.
I hope that posting on here and talking with us can help, and that you’ll feel better since you’ve ended your toxic relationship.