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First time……

by WeAllFallDown

….Hey all….This is my first time posting here, and in all honesty, I never thought I’d see myself posting on a site like this.

I’m not looking for pity, simply a place for me to talk about my problems, where no one will judge me, or tell me that I need to believe in God.

I apologize in advance if this seems like pointless rambling, as I’m just trying to get it all out.

I’m 14 years old, and honestly, I wanna die. My biological father left when I was two, and I have no memories of him, and I only found out about him a year and a half ago. I had never really seen my stepfather (the man who I thought was my real father for most of my life) as my father, before I found out, so it wasn’t that hard for me to accept. The hard part was to find out that I’d been lied to for nearly 12 1/2 years.

My stepfather calls me a fat fuck, and a freak on a daily basis, and has no consideration for others. He takes advantage of my mother, and steals her money. My stepfather is physically and verbally abusive, but mostly verbal. He yells at me every chance he gets, and it makes me feel like absolute shit. He doesn’t like how I like bands (like honestly I’m band trash but oh well) and music, and how I find comfort in the music I like. He hates that I like art and drawing, and that I don’t want to go to college because I want to pursue a career in music. He doesn’t know that I’m not straight, and I don’t believe in God.

Because of him (mostly) I became anorexic at age 8 and I’ve struggled with it ever since.

My stepfather favors his son (my half brother) that he had with my mother. He is 6 years old, and my stepfather puts my half brother on a motherfucking pedestal, and treats him like he’s the king of the fucking world. Sometimes I’m okay with just being ignored, so that I can go off on my own, and relax, but still, I rarely get to do that.

I’m not comfortable in my own home. I see it as the house that I live in until the day that I turn 18 and I can get the fuck out of that shit hole. My only real safe place is my head….because there, only I can judge me.

My mother is in my life, but she is oblivious to what my stepfather does, even though it happens right in front of her. She doesn’t pay much attention to me, and lets me be myself. She has admitted to me that she has failed as a mother, by letting him into my life. But now she acts as if she never said that.

I’m also bullied at school because I don’t believe in God, I’m not straight, I’m goth(?….or emo or whatever they call it…), I like different music than them, I’m anorexic and many other things. Recently a good friend of mine asked me to meet him in the bathroom, and I did because I trusted him, and didn’t expect him to do anything. But that’s where I was wrong. He told me that he liked me (which honestly came as a surprise to me because I have 3 friends, and no one likes me). I gave him my honest answer, that I didn’t like him in that way, and then he forced himself on me in a school bathroom. I tried to get him to stop, and I tried my hardest to fight him, but he wrestles so he’s a lot stronger than me.

Two months ago, I ran away, because I couldn’t take my stepfather’s bullshit anymore, I had made it out of state, but had been found two days later. When I was brought home, my mother was outside, crying and waiting for them to bring me home, and my stepfather was asleep on the couch. When my mother came inside with me, and told him that they found me, his reply was, “Remind me why you called the cops. This family would have been better off without her stupid, fat ass. She could have been raped and killed for all I care.” Then he went back to sleep.

I have depression, I’m suicidal, I self harm, I don’t want lectures on how I need change for my stepfather (because I’ve gotten those before….why?…I have no clue…) or how he’s doing this because he loves me. I don’t need bullshit about how I caused all of this. I don’t need to be judged, or ridiculed because of how I am. I know that I’m a violent person. I lost count of how many times I’ve been sent to the office or had the cops called on me for attacking someone who said something to me. I don’t need God.

I just want to know that someone out there cares……

Though I know that in this world, that’s a hard thing to find…

And at times I just want to go to sleep and never wake up…..

 

 

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5 comments

kamidaka 5/4/2016 - 8:17 pm

We’re in a similar situation, I also tried to get away from my parents and failed.
And what I did is to do the things that I love but keep them a secret. For my parents I just gave up struggling and accepted reality, but that’s not true. I keep doing the things I really appreciate, I laugh, I sing, I cry, I draw, I listen to music, but only for myself.
I care, and would like to help you, even if it’s only by talking to you c:

Papermoon 5/4/2016 - 8:19 pm

Welcome to the suicide project. I’m so sorry that you have to put up with that douchebag on a daily basis. I’d say he’s heading straight for hell, but since you don’t believe in God, I’ll just say karma’s coming for his ass one day. I admire you for taking action against it though, and for recognizing that no, it isn’t your fault and that you need to get out of that house ASAP. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and especially not a teenager who already has to deal with the emotional stress of waking up every day to face other teenagers. Hang in there WeAllFallDown. I think I speak for the rest of the community in saying that yes, there are plenty out there who care, including me.

Papermoon 5/4/2016 - 8:21 pm

P.S. way to go, pursuing your own dreams in the music profession 🙂 I know it’s not an easy road to go down, but if it’s your passion, then you’ll enjoy doing it unlike the majority of adults who complain every day about their boring desk jobs.

4beyondhelp 5/4/2016 - 9:31 pm

I’m really sorry that the response you’re accustomed to is people blaming you for the actions of people who are supposed to be taking care of you and supporting you, or being judged and ridiculed. I’ve been on here a few months and I’d be shocked if you received that kind of response here, so I hope it does help to be on here. We do care. I’m 15 and although it feels weird to be one of the younger people here, it also makes me sad there are other people like me who want to die even though it sometimes feels like life has barely started.
It might not be helpful to say it, but if you want support, I’ll say what I’m thinking: Honestly, fuck your stepfather, and your shitty rapist not-friend, and anyone who had the opportunity to provide support to you and didn’t. You deserve support and I hope you can find it. In your case I’m not sure whether telling an adult would result in them looking into a child abuse case or not, or if that’s what you want, since I’m not sure what that would result in. So it might be worth looking into counseling at your school. If that isn’t a good idea, I hope you can talk to your friends, and can keep posting here if it helps.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/4/2016 - 9:58 pm

By acting like she is your mother is failing you as a parent, even if she won’t face it. The minimum parents need to do (I would argue all adults but that is an argument for another day) is keep their children safe. Minimum. Not buy them an xbox or send them to college but keep them SAFE. Which she isn’t doing on any level at all. And neither is your damn school if someone is able to assault you in a public restroom. I understand why you didn’t report it. Why bother with all these idiot adults who obviously don’t know the first thing about keeping children safe.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any miracle solutions besides getting the hell out of there as soon as you can. I was raised by the worst of the worst and got the hell out of there as soon as I could. However, and here is the tragedy when selfish assholes raise kids, I internalized all the shit and took it with me. Took years to detox and even now I have to remind myself that I an NOT what those assholes told me I was years ago. I’m my own person.

Keep hanging around, there are lots of people who understand what you are going through.

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