I took my last final exam of my undergraduate career today. It was hard as f*ck, I don’t know if I will pass that class. I couldn’t help but worry that I would’t pass that class, which dominoes to not graduating then to not getting into graduate school… So f*ck it all. I have this beautiful plan that I will commit suicide on sunday when my whole family is out of town. I am afraid to do it. I am afraid it will hurt. I know which method (no talking methods on here), where, with what, when. I just need the motivation.
Truth be told I never wanted to succeed at anything… School… Career… Family… I wanted to fail and have that excuse to off myself. I wanted no one left to care. I want to die. Or just cease to exist. So now with so much going on I am overwhelmed and there is so much to lose, too much to handle though. I have gone through periods of wanting to die and serious attempts at such. I want this sunday to be it. I just wish I could have a proper goodbye, but that would give people too much leeway to interpret my behavior and lock me in the cracker barrel.
I don’t want my niece and nephews to be old enough to remember me and miss me. It would be better now while they are so young – don’t you think? I am worried it will be a chain effect type of thing in which I do it then other people do it as a result and then people related to them do it too. I know that suicide is most common among older men, so what does a thirty something stupid b*tch like me have to worry about.
I know this woman, she is the secret love of my life. We went on a few dates years ago and she struggled recently with suicidal ideation. I think the only thing I will miss out on is the possibilities, ya know?
So own my own home this year(first for me) Graduate from college this spring(potentially) Have a brand new baby nephew while my niece turns 4(this month) and why do I feel so f*ckin lost? I should be finding meaning everywhere. Intimacy vs. Isolation, thanks Erikson – guess I’m isolating.
While I was reading this, I saw myself in it. Your worries I am familiar with. Sometimes I feel stuck here when thru all the bs one of my family members tell me they love me. Anyway when I came close to endin everything I thought of the love of my life too, whom I haven’t spoken since we broke up 2 years ago. I don’t think I’ll ever forget him but he crossed my mind and the possibilities where ther as well. Hes better of without me anyway.
Don’t end it. I know rite now it seems like you need to but you don’t. You are young! And you need to let yourself feel happiness and loved because you’re worth it. People love you so much more than you love yourself. Your nephew and nieces will miss you more then you’ll ever know kuz you’ll be gone. You will break everyone’s heart. Because you are a part of they’re life’s in a way you’ll never know. Please don’t do it and think about being there for your family. Hope everything gets better. If you feel down keep posting, and hopefully it’ll help and make the situation better.