I took my last final exam of my undergraduate career today. It was hard as f*ck, I don’t know if I will pass that class. I couldn’t help but worry that I would’t pass that class, which dominoes to not graduating then to not getting into graduate school… So f*ck it all. I have this beautiful plan that I will commit suicide on sunday when my whole family is out of town. I am afraid to do it. I am afraid it will hurt. I know which method (no talking methods on here), where, with what, when. I just need the motivation.
Truth be told I never wanted to succeed at anything… School… Career… Family… I wanted to fail and have that excuse to off myself. I wanted no one left to care. I want to die. Or just cease to exist. So now with so much going on I am overwhelmed and there is so much to lose, too much to handle though. I have gone through periods of wanting to die and serious attempts at such. I want this sunday to be it. I just wish I could have a proper goodbye, but that would give people too much leeway to interpret my behavior and lock me in the cracker barrel.
I don’t want my niece and nephews to be old enough to remember me and miss me. It would be better now while they are so young – don’t you think? I am worried it will be a chain effect type of thing in which I do it then other people do it as a result and then people related to them do it too. I know that suicide is most common among older men, so what does a thirty something stupid b*tch like me have to worry about.
I know this woman, she is the secret love of my life. We went on a few dates years ago and she struggled recently with suicidal ideation. I think the only thing I will miss out on is the possibilities, ya know?
So own my own home this year(first for me) Graduate from college this spring(potentially) Have a brand new baby nephew while my niece turns 4(this month) and why do I feel so f*ckin lost? I should be finding meaning everywhere. Intimacy vs. Isolation, thanks Erikson – guess I’m isolating.