So I had a relapse last night. Ive struggled with heroin addiction for about ten or twelve years.
So I scored last night and the dealer accidentally gave me double what I asked for. His fuck up right…. good for me right…..
No. Not good for me. I had this messed up reaction. Ive od’ed a few times and just passed out. But this time I stayed awake. It felt like my heart was stopping. My breathing was getting shallower and shallower. Vision blurred and body was trembling all over. This is it I thought. Im going. Next comes eternal darkness. I was terrified. I realised I dont wanna go out yet. I got shit to do still. And I waited. For what felt like an hour I was frozen, scared. And then it started to subside. And I was happy. Glad I didnt die. Anyway long story short, I woke up today with a quiet sense of happiness. Some peace.
I hope it lasts.
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16 comments
Glad your got some peace. Addiction is not something to be taken lightly
Heroin in its entirety is a beast of its own. I’ve battled with it myself. Heroin. Coke. Pcp. Lsd. Basically every thing except for meth crack and dabs. Inevitably, if you were meant to go, You would have.
I’ve od’ed myself About 14 times since I’ve been out of the service. Most have been with liquor. Last time I was found almost hypothermic and with a 4.5 BAC. Lying on the train tracks not a mile from me house. It took 6 officers to get my in restraints and in the back of an ambulance.
Even while completely out of consciousness, I was still trying to get away from everything. The pain. The hurt. The lies. The bleeding.
When asked if I was prior service, I responded yes. 4 of my personal friends were there to try and calm me down. At the time, they were 4 year veteran members of our local pd.
Just evaluate the situation. Its never a bad decision to consider. Especially if you don’t want to be here.
My brother in law OD on heroin a few years ago. To this day we don’t know if it was intentional or accidental. I pointed out to my inlaws it doesn’t matter, dead is dead.
Wow soco I didn’t know you were struggling with heroin addiction. I’m really happy that you didn’t die last night.
Well I think ultimately I found out I do want to be here. Which is a good thing.
Yeah its been a pretty full on road to travel but im on methadone and if I can stol using I will start reducing the methadone till il clean. I did it 2 years ago. But relapsed in a week.
Thanks hazy. Im glad too.
Methadone will give you protection against ODing since it is a partial opioid blocker. If you do it right it really works. Why bother detoxing completely though? IMHO it is like any other medication to control a medical condition. People with high blood pressure take medicine, people diabetes take medicine. Addiction can be considered a medical condition too. Take it slow and smart. Do what makes you feel the best and dont’ rush it.
I agree with u hazy. Its just the indoctrination of narcotics anonymous and their constant drive to get people “clean”. My sponsor is cool and doesnt want me to rush it but they ultimately believe been clean is the ultimate goal. Im not sure, I think more like u do. But the time I was totally clean felt great. Really different after years of drug use. The jury is still out.. one cliché at a time. He he.
yeah I’m not a big fan of NA or how they roll but it is an hour where you won’t be using any drugs, so I always tell people go, because you need to be safe. If you aren’t using your drug of choice, you are doing well. Clean is a relative term. I totally failed at sobriety last week. I decided to just get drunk for the hell of it because I wasn’t crazy that day, if that makes any sense. It reset my brain a little, which is even crazier to say.
Keep moving forward. This entire thread is inspiring to me tonight.
Can I just congratulate you on your struggle? I know addiction, and it is one of the hardest things you can come up against.
Thanks mus, for the words of encouragment and support. Ur a good one.
You are welcome, and thanks for sharing. It made me feel less alone.
Sidenote muspelham. When I see ur name it reminds me of the colour pelham blue that gibson used to paint their firebird guitars. Metallic blue kinda. Great colour.
Haha 🙂 Do you play?
Oh, I remember my guitar teacher back in the day had a deep blue electric bass. Just about the most desirable thing I ever saw.
Yeah I been playing for about 20 years seriously and just tinkering for the last ten. Im sooo lazy when it comes to playing. Building gibson firebird copy atm. Will post pics when done.
addiction is really hard, and like hazy said, it can be dangerous if you rush yourself too. I’m glad you realized you want to live 🙂 although the circumstances were scary. hope you keep feeling better today
Thanks for beyond help. Its monday morning here and going to work. Feel heaps better and I still dont wanna die. All the support from u guys really helps. Take care.