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“you can do better”

by 4beyondhelp

what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.

in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)

I’m sorry about how whiny this is.

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4 comments

MissDysphoria 5/21/2016 - 12:33 am

It really depends on how close you are to her. Either way it’s gonna be tough. Everyone has their low moments I’ve definitely had mine, still having them. It’s pretty shitty, I know you know.

Trix 5/21/2016 - 1:29 am

If the therapist has told your mother about other things you’ve told her, she’ll almost definitely tell her you’re suicidal. Even if her reaction was bad, maybe it’d be worth them knowing. You’d be giving them the chance to try to help, or at least to understand why you’re finding things difficult. Someone going through the things that you are should have some encouragement from the people around them. It isn’t weak to find it hard to drag yourself through everything and on top of it not have anyone understand why it’s difficult. I can understand not wanting her to be disappointed, but it might be worth the risk if there’s also the chance that it could go well and be a relief for you. If it doesn’t go well, at least you won’t have to hide it anymore. Just be aware that more people could end up getting involved if you say you have any plans (i.e. if they think you’re at immediate risk of suicide).

I feel the same about medication. I found it really hard coming on and off medications and there can be side effects, but it can be worth the risk. Any problems it could cause are temporary. Like you said, you’re more likely to find people it hasn’t worked for on SP. It could be helpful, so it could be worth trying. 🙂

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/21/2016 - 10:14 am

If you have never been on medication, try it.

stellaeric 5/21/2016 - 11:04 am

Hi. I’ve heard that so many times, “you can do better”. It feels like it must be a legitimate criticism, especially if you’ve always been an excellent student – but remember that you’re the only one who knows what resources you have at any particular point in time. If you’re struggling to cope (and it sounds like you’re trying really hard) it’s OK if you’re not performing to the standards you’d usually set yourself.

I would give medication a try. It might not work for everyone, but you never know if you don’t try right? The doctors should be pretty good about monitoring side effects for the first couple of weeks you’re on it. Again, if the side effects give you a hard time, go easy on yourself – easier said than done I know 😉

It’s not wrong to want some extra TLC when you’re unwell (remember you’re just unwell! this isn’t a personal failure). I don’t know your mother so I can’t predict how she might feel, but sometimes parental anxiety can come off as anger/disappointment. I’ve personally chosen not to confide in my parents, but I expect it’s different for everyone.

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