aloha (hello/goodbye?)

i had a panic attack in a goodwill store today. i keep thinking i’ve hit my all time low, and then somehow i manage to fall just a little bit lower. it was embarrassing, but it was a lil one and i don’t think anyone noticed. they didn’t even notice when i fell asleep in the dressing room for a few hours, or when i pocketed a glass and walked home. it’s a cute little thing, cheap but pretty. i don’t even know what its purpose is, it’s far too small to be useful. but i saw it, and i just needed to take it. i’m actually not sure how i ended up in a goodwill store in the first place? there was a power outage last night after a rough storm and since i’m a useless piece of shit i can’t deal with those, and i think i blacked out a bit. it’s a half an hour drive from my house to the goodwill, and i didn’t drive. i’m trying not to think about it, because i really really hope i didn’t dissasociate and walk or hitchhike to it, because i do not want to be that fuckin nuts. on the upside, my meds just got upped, which means that i might have enough soon to be a solid lethal dose. mixed with a few cups of antifreeze, it seems like a painful yet fairly foolproof method. i don’t live near many bridges, although whenever i see one i can’t help but linger and sometimes i look around to see if anyone else might be considering the same thing. not that i want a buddy, i think i’d like to be alone in my final moments. yeah, i’m a dramatic piece of shit, i know.