it’s a weird day, for sure. my head is pounding, i’ve been diagnosed with a freaky specific kind of ocd and they’re making me wear a mouthguard and bandages on my hands, i’m cold, and i feel like vomiting. on the upside, there’s a small rainbow on my wall, i have some cool bruises, and i like my socks. i don’t think i want to kill myself? i’m not really sure. i kinda wanna live as long as fuckin possible purely out of spite. i mean, one way or another i’m gonna die, right? might as well have some fuckin fun first. so, i think i’m doing a kinda okay job of staying positive and at the very least, not dying. it’s so fuckin hard. people always tell you you’ll feel better if you just think positive but no one says, “hey, being positive is hard as shit. it’s nuts. staying alive is so much fucking work and i’m proud of you.” like, cmon man. i’m touch starved and desperate for validation here you gotta give me somethin to work with. no matter what i say i can’t live just on determination, i need just a tiny bit of outside love. i ruined a pair of socks yesterday wandering around without shoes and i got blisters, but i didn’t really like those socks and they didn’t even match so i don’t mind. the blisters are whatever, pain builds charactr or some shit right? i dunno. still breathing
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Yes, people do say being positive is hard as shit, especially if it isn’t reflexive. Well, at least to me they do. What I’ve learned the hard way is that being positive doesn’t solve problems, it just makes them smaller. You also need self-awareness, courage, and luck.
By all means have fun before you die. The key is to have as much fun as possible for as long as possible. Turns out the best way to maximize that equation is to learn to cope with many differing types of pain. Go figure.
Good luck and don’t pick your scabs.
well i will agree, staying positive is hard as shit. and for the comment above, i agree with that too; it does not solve problems, it just changes your perspective on them. they are still problems. i have kind of thought like you in the past, and i still do. it comes and goes. sometimes i am just like oh, whatever, i can die now. and other times im like why not, im alive right now, i am having fun in this moment, and i am pretty sure i wont feel this way when im dead. i dont really know what to tell you, except for keep at it. it feels like every day i decide i should just run away or do something stupid and then i wake up in my bed the next day, having had a normal day the day before, and think well if i did that, i can just keep doing that. ‘keep breathing’. its literally just survive, but unless you can find a point in doing so, then surviving isnt such a big feat. the people that truly have fun in their lives, oh man i envy them.
cant really relate to the ocd thing, but i ruined a pair of socks the other day too… not walking around, but playing with my dog. i figured since i didnt really care about a single pair of socks, and it would bring my dog greater joy than they would ever bring me, why not. sorry for your blisters and everything… good luck. try to find a reason to keep breathing, instead of just breathing. can be any reason, from looking forward to hanging out with people, to trying to get a dream job, to just it being a big fuck you to everyone who would think you cant do it. last one’s my main reason, if im honest. i dont follow my advice too well, but maybe you can? dunno. good luck and have fun