I always fantasized about death. I don’t think I’d have the ability to do it myself, but I glorify things I shouldn’t glorify. I would imagine that I would be walking in the hallway and a school shooting would start and hope I’d be the first to go or maybe I would die trying to save someone else. That way, I would leave a hero. After I shower, I would hope that a lump I would find would be cancer, and I would just let it thrive and let it kill me. Every other night, I would go to bed and hope that I wouldn’t wake up. Whenever I hear about someone getting cancer or someone dying way before it was their time, I think of how cruel it is. Why take them? Why take someone far better than me? It should have been me. I would trade my life for theirs. Spare the better person and take me instead. Give them my time, and let me go. They had so much going for them, while I’m here and no one seems to hear me…
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Well I hear you loud N clear, Rose of The Phantom. Thing is, I cannot offer you any constructive advice because i’m sat right beside you in the rudderless boat of hopelessness.
I’m fortunate that high blood pressure is a heredity gene within my family. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and purposely work myself up into a state of near hysteria. I can see my neck and face looking like my head might explode…then I walk away believing/hoping the end will be soon…and that thought alone is of such great comfort. Then i’m back to the comuter to find another documentary to watch like ‘The bridge 2006’ or How to Die in Oregon (2011) or Once I Dreamt of Life (2014) …ect.
Thank goodness this is all only temporary
Hello Escaldo.
Thanks for the comment. This is my first post, and didn’t really expect a comment, let alone one fairly soon after I posted. High blood pressure runs in my family too so maybe I might have that going for me. That being said, it’s a comfort to know I’m not totally alone, so I thank you. ^_^
I suffer from that ideation too whether it’s by my hands or not. We want death but can’t do it ourselves. Although I’m working on that. I mean, if you wanted to die a hero then all you had to do was join the military and run out into action. Killed in action. Honor to family.
I changed my mind from that because there is no war so chances of being deployed into a hotzone are rare. Maybe wait for WW3? A simpler way is suicide by cop. Cops will shoot you just putting your hands in your pocket so that’s a choice. Never good to traumatize another but it solves the plan.
If you really want to be remembered and do suicide in a covert way. You could start donating organs and end up dying that way. Donate a kidney and go from there. Not only are you saving lives but it helps shorten your lifespan. Nobody can say you wasted your life when it saved another.
These are just ideas that I’ve contemplated. Ultimately, I can’t vouch for any method so it’s up to you.
Hello IControlmydestiny,
To be honest, yes I thought of the military too. Sadly I am not in shape to be in it, but that thought has crossed my mind several times. I didn’t think of donating organs, but than again, I’m too squeamish to make it an option. This being said, thank you for your comment. This is my first post here, and really didn’t expect much. It was comforting to see to be honest. So, I thank you. ^_^
I think your thinking is super normal. We feel unbearable pain which prevents us from living (with any satisfying quality) so we want to die and create ideas about how nice it would be. Then we don’t want to kill anyone or destroy anything, we love life in a sense, so suicide is not what we really want to do. And we like honorable behavior. So its easy to see one would combine those and feel just relief.
I also thought about organs donating. One man from my country did it. He called police that we wants his organs to be donated and then shot himself. What a honorable man.