I feel so different from anybody. On one side, u have “normal” people who just do their things. On the other side you have broken people doing broken things. I feel like i’m quite normal but my life (brain) is just so broken.
I had great childhood and adolescence. Not super perfect but wouldnt change with anyone else. I did a lot of sports, had a lot of friends, doing music, had a girlfriend etc. – like very fullfilling life. Then strong depression came (and now I know why) nad I tried to do my best with it, then chronic depression came and I tried my best. I did university, had some trips to Morroco and Romania, some new lifestyles. Then second episode came, I had to start strong antidepressants and I still made something out of it. Then it went chronic. Then it changed into some deeper disorder like personality change or psychosis. And i still tried to do my best even if suicide was more and more in my mind.
And now, 2016. I had never any real problem in my life, because this mental disorder (or what it is) overcame everything. And even now, with my brain severely damaged and being in mental hospital few months ago, I met very nice girl, I start a small business and I met some new people and doing some quite reasonable stuff (like community garden etc.). So my life would be objectively fine even now, after those 10 years of suffering, but my brain is still not working, too much pain, anxiety, confusion, slowliness etc.
And I have this idea for a long time, one quick shot and it would be over. There is some hope in that. I know life can be beutiful and I had it for a long time. Im just too damaged. But maybe on the other side…
Has anyone similar experience? I feel like the only one…
1 comment
i feel like this everyday. from the outside i have a great life, but i am so broken and damaged on the inside. i am trying to change the way i think and manage this but it is so exhausting. when my rational brain is engaged, there is no normal, only different people on their own journeys. no judgement, as everyone’s path is different. when the darkness starts to shroud my brain and pull me under, i try to focus on what i need at that moment. and then its just one moment at a time. one minute, one hour, keep trying. you are worth it. lots of love and luck to you.