Well, I had a very nice fulfiling life till my 19 age. Then I got pretty sick depression (I know the causes to some degree). Went on some AD and tried to heal myself, I failed (I know the causes as well), but still had somewhat interesting life. Then I got worse (known causes), went on more AD, lost control over my healing process and was more traumatized, but still managed to do something with my life. Then my diagnosis began to change more and more and being more subtle changing my personality – loosing emotions, motivation, then executivity, imagination, even reason and daily functioning.
I can still manage it a little bit, but hardly can change any substantial. If I’m not in depression, I can do some basic things, but don’t feel anything much at all.
I can’t find any rational reason to not to commit suicide – with a thought that this life was worth it and I dont believe that life is just something between birth and death (my atoms and proteins will dissolve into something else). I can find only fear and axiety repeating itself or my not strong assumption that life like this is livable or worth living. My energy and motivaion is probably too low even for suicide, but we will see.