I’m feeling low… I’m ashamed of myself. I’ve had outbursts of anger. I’ve hurt people with my words. I raged for nothing as a mad person. I’m afraid of being a bad person. I just can’t control my temper… It’s usually hard for me, but it’s been even harder for the last 10 months. I’m ashamed of everything I’ve said to people who believed in me, who were so nice to me. I feel bad. I’m afraid I might be a bad person, arrogant and selfish.
And I feel like there is no way for me of erasing what’s been said and done. I feel so powerless. And it gets me even angrier to know that it’s all entirely my fault. I’m always blaming everyone for my own outbursts. But I know it’s me. Even though I do know that I never meant to be mean or to hurt anybody’s feeling, still that’s what I did because I just lost it. Stupidly. For no reason. I just keep exploding around the place. I lack diplomacy. My words are blunt and my voice is loud. I’m so ashamed.
I feel like a failure, a dirty piece of shit that will never be able to be normal. I make mistakes all the time. And I feel bad. But still, I keep making them. Again and again.
I’m seeing a therapist but it doesn’t help me at all. And not feeling better makes me feel powerless and angry. I’m losing patience. I feel like I’m incurable. I hope I’ll be able to get some meds to mend me. But I am under the impression that I don’t have a problem. I am a problem.
I wish I could die but, of course, I’m too weak and coward for that. I’ve tried pills, never succeeded. I feel like my life’s gonna be a series of mistakes, people turning their backs on me (and they’re right to do so, I understand them…). I’d like to turn my back on myself but it keeps following me like a shadow. It seems like nothing will never be normal/all right for me. I’m a piece of shit. And I really regret everything I’ve said and done but I know there won’t be any way to go back in time and change anything. I just have to live with that. Just like I did with all the other mistakes I’ve made. And I know I will make more. And I feel like a guilty shit. I don’t hate myself. I’m so fucking tired of myself. I’d like to get rid of myself. I’d like to be a normal good healthy person. But I’m that piece of shit… And it seems like I can’t be anything else.
17 comments
It’s true, we can’t go back in time and change the things we said and did. The best we can do is try to make peace with it, live with it. Also, we all are going to make mistakes. We just need to try and avoid them, and the unavoidable ones we need to try to mitigate the fallout that ensues. Also, this is most likely a stupid idea, but maybe you can join an anger management class or group.
Thanks for your thoughts. Your idea is not stupid at all, it’s just that I can’t find any in my area… Which is rather rural…
Can we be a good person even if we say mean things and are frequently angry?
Doesn’t seem so serious to me. My father had outbursts and I myself too, its because you feel frustrated nad cornered.
Do you see any cause or point when this started? Or do you have any diagnosis?
Well… If it was only outburst, it wouldn’t bother me that much I guess… No, what’s bothering me is that I get very nasty whenever I’m angry (and it happens pretty often). I say mean things and blame everyone and shout and my hands are agitated and move excitedly. And the consequence of it is that people turn their backs on me. Which is understandable…
I really can’t stand being myself. I just want to switch myself off. I want to be someone else. I’m tired of being me and of the consequences of being me
I have very similar bursts but for me they are only the consenquence of something deeper.
I doubt its your personality, its more likely some trauma or neurosis that could be treatable.
everyone has different temperament. My advice: shut up. really. try it.
Try not to focus on yourself too much. That’s what therapists and doctors really try to make you focus on so you end up even worse than when you started and you think oh i better buy that pill bahaha when there is a perfectly more natural medicine like weed (aka marijuana). Now, putting those psychedelic substances aside..what is the cause of your pain? your anger? no get out of here. emotion is your responsibility, time is not. there is no forward or backward there is eternity and every moment matters. start by shutting up. then your mind inside will be louder and you can look at the pieces more calmly in the absence of stimuli that can distract you.
I know I have to shut up… It’s just stronger than me. I don’t see it coming so I can’t stop it. I always say I’ll try but I always fail…
okay. that’s because time seems to ”stop” for intense hatred. Just to let you know aggressiveness will make people leave you. they will not feel a single drop of regret because your hostile..its pretty common sense.. the mind is capable of anything. shutting up is very possible, just like suicide is very possible for us.
Yeah… I know aggressiveness makes people leave and that it is pretty common sense. That’s the consequence of my problem… I’ve already acknowledge that. But thanks though.
i dont know how to help you then freedomseeker. seek freedom , it comes from silence.
no problem. Take care. feel whatever you want to feel. its okay. just dont go bananas
And I don’t feel “intense hatred”, I’m angry. Very angry. That’s different. Very different.
yeah i know , most people are… its kind of the reason im a loner, cause most people are angry fucks
that reminds me. i leave you now. haha bye.
good luck with your anger
You’re a good person because you’re thinking about how your actions effect others and you want to find a way to get better. Do you do any type of exercise or physical activity? This may help you channel some of that anger and work things out in your head.
Don’t beat yourself up, forgive yourself and accept that the past is gone and can’t be changed. Work on doing better going forward. Continue seeing the therapist and talking. Having patience is important which I know can feel impossible. There is most likely a reason for the anger, finding it will take time.
If you have an angry outburst, try taking some deep breaths and walk away from the situation. Go for a walk, try to get by yourself and practice deep breathing exercises.
Lastly, be open and talk to people you have hurt. Explain what is going on and that you’re trying to get better. They may not all listen or care about your apology, but the ones that do means they care and want to see you get better.
Thank you for your answer and your good pieces of advice. I’ll try and do that… I already do actually, but it gets harder sometimes… Thanks again 🙂