God. Next week I’m going to try to get out of the house to pay my remaining library fee so I can transfer out of my college. Maybe go to another one and enroll. Try is huge word here. I’m gonna need mental preparation.
I am so scared. I’m just thinking of everything. Chances are, I’m going to meet someone I know and they’re gonna ask me why I suddenly disappeared off the grid (if they noticed and cared enough) and I wouldn’t know how to answer. I used to be part of an organization, see. Let me just call it a sorority or fraternity.
You know how they have the upper class and hierarchy. What if they recognize me (which they will, because I am like one of those few people who endured their training and initiation for some reason) and ask me. I feel like I’ll lose my dignity right there on the spot.
“Oh, I just huge issues that’s been plaguing me that include mental issues,” I say. And they’ll be like, “What? You’re just gonna give up after all the effort we made to train you and your effort to stay in this organization whatever it took? Where is your loyalty? We gave this position because we knew and trusted that you could do it. For god’s sake, you practically control the money and all that. You’re gonna give up just like that?”
Fuck. I am probably dramatizing it. Oh my god. I really don’t want to go. But god, I don’t even know. What is happening to me. I hate how heavy the responsibility is, and how it’s suddenly passed on to me, and how I burned out and didn’t even get to exercise my responsibility before everything blew out. Like I killed myself before I even started living.
And if a person from my class sees me they’ll be like, “What happened? Is it because of your grades? Is it because of your organization?” And fuck, it’s so painful to fake a smile and say, “Oh, don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I’m moving on to greener pastures (Which involves being at home trying not to be suicidal)” And when I do say that, they’ll follow up with the “Where are you transferring to?” question and I will have no answer because. I have. No. Idea.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I feel like I’ll have to transfer. I hate how I feel like I’m running away. I hate how I’ve disappointed everyone. But I am so tired and so burned out that I don’t think I can handle another rodeo of so much work and study and me being too committed to things.
I should have taken it easy. god. I really wanna get out of this cage I’m trapped in. But. I’m too scared. I can already imagine myself having a fucking anxiety or panic attack in the middle of the college and no one will be there.
I’ll end up crying and having shaky hands and having a hard time to breathe in some corner or worse, in the middle of the field. And worse, I’ll be alone and I’ll have no sunglasses to hide my tears when it does happen. You know why? Wearing the uniform plus sunglasses is really attention grabbing, and that’s what I do not want right now.
My anxiety is fucking crazy. I’m sorry you read this.
1 comment
There’s nothing to be scared of, you’re just going to pay your library fee. Remember, there’s at least dozens of students that go to do the same, or pay some other fee. You’re just one of those dozens. It’s just a regular day, nothing apocalyptic. If someone recognizes you, which is unlikely, and they ask you about those things, that’s also unlikely, just answer that it’s personal issues. They’ll be satisfied with the answer and they won’t pry any further. O and don’t fixate and stress too much over this. Just go about your daily activities and when you need to do it, do it. Everything will go smoothly, it’s just a regular day.