Love comes unexpectedly, it feels like a gust of wind strong enough to knock you off your feet, powerful enough to take your breath away. I feel as if God sent me an angel to temporarily take away the darkness that’s consumed me. But I’m already so far gone I’m bringing him down with me, and I see it in his face every time I lash out at him. I know he cares so much for me but I push him away when he tries to get closer to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my whole life I’ve longed for the feeling of understanding and love, but now that I’m receiving what I’ve craved for so long I’m demolishing it. I guess it’s because I don’t want to suck him into to this oblivion I call a life. I feel as if I’ve become a burden to all around me. So I’ve decided to suffer in silence. He wants to have child with me. But how can I bring another life into this world when I’m not even sure I want to keep my own…. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!?????
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Maybe you are over thinking things. Maybe you should take the gift that’s before you. Having a child could change life and your perception. I would hate for you to look back and regret this opportunity. You only get so many chances in life. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking and say yes and let the chips fall where they fall. Good luck.
Thank you
Having a child to give yourself a reason to live isn’t exactly good advice.
You must learn to love yourself first, and I don’t mean in some narcissistic way, but in the sense of a loving acceptance of you as a whole person, flaws and all.
It appears to me, and I may be wrong, that deep down you feel you somehow do not deserve to be happy, that you do not deserve to love and be loved. That would be one explanation for the approach/avoidance.
You do deserve to be loved. Yes, imperfect lovely you!!
Thank you and yes you hit the nail on the head about me feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved.
How long have you known this guy? Is he kind, stable, respectful, fairly mentally healthy?
Does he want to marry you or commit to moving in and becoming domestic p.artners?
How old are you, by the way? Some people have long-lasting relationships beginning at a young age, but most break up after a couple years. If you want time to have fun in your life, wait until your late 20s/early 30s to think about having a family.
Things to consider before deciding to have a child:
1. You should be in good mental and physical health and so should your p.artner. Inquire about any birth defects or disabilities on his side of the family. Maybe even visit a doctor together for official examinations to ensure neither of you has any immediate health concerns.
2. Be absolutely *certain* you want to commit to having a kid. Once you’re a mom, you have a lifelong obligation to your child. Even if you did give them up for adoption, you’ll still be the “birth mother” and they might look for you later on.
3. You MUST be financially stable. Well-paying job, enough to cover your rent or mortgage, your monthly bills, transportation, food, clothing, other essentials, entertainment… and once you have a child, there are way more additional expenses. Try making up a “baby wishlist” with all the things you would need to care for an infant for the first year. (It’ll be a lot of money.)
4. You also have to commit to the thought of possibly raising your child alone if things don’t work out with the baby daddy. Remember that an unstable environment is very negative for a kid and that it is unsettling for children when they have to deal with separated parents and their parents’ new dating prospects. (Some of these can even be abusive to one’s child.)
5. You can’t let mental health issues or depression or thoughts of suicide get in the way of looking after your kid. Being a mom is a full-time job – even if you work full-time, when you get home you won’t have much time for relaxation unless you constantly hire nannies to care for the child, but as a parent you still have to make sure to spend time with your kid. It would mean giving up a lot of things you enjoy doing for fun.
I’m sure having a child can be rewarding, but it is very tough and you have to be prepared for it.
Adopt a puppy.
Spend 18 years raising a dog first. If your dog turns out to be a well behaved, productive member of society, then you can inundate the planet with more humans. Otherwise, don’t bother.