I’ve dealt with more than a lot could handle all my life it seems. I’m still here which means something I guess? Not without addictions and other self destructive behaviors. Every year I say “this is the worst year of my life “ well 2016 has actually been the worst so far. From suicide attempts to my self harm addiction surfacing again, to mental hospital visits and losing friends, losing stability, nowhere to call home, etc..I’ve lost everything this year, especially myself. BPD, Fibro, anxiety, PTSD, and other illnesses have plagued me for so long and this year my pain is at an all time high. New symptoms forming, can’t eat, I’m sick with severe fatigue, nausea, and stomach pain for 4 months straight now. It’s driving me into a new low. I’ve been contemplating again. More than ever. I’m afraid I’ll never be pain free or healthy my entire life. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m trying so hard but it’s eating me up inside.
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Wow, you been through so much and yet you continue to find the strength to keep going. That is a huge achievement.
I can relate to a lot of what you said. Everyday it gets harder to keep fighting. I want to throw in the towel, but something keeps me going. I guess I’m masochist and I want to see how much worse I might get. Like burning your arm on a candle, I want to see how far I can push myself. That and I can’t find the fortitude to go through with suicide. It’s a nice fantasy but that is all it ever will be, unless I reach a yet unknown breaking point. I’ll see how this plays out.