These past few weeks things are bad again and i just don’t want to be here anymore.
Everyone says it gets better but i’ve been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety since i’ve been 7 years old, it’s been 10 years and it really doesn’t get better. It gets worse. It really, really does no matter how many times people say it gets better.
I don’t understand what is wrong with me. The hospital, the doctors, the many therapists, they say it’s Chemical. I just am so confused. My parents have always tried to spoil me to a extent. I have all my family. A loving boyfriend of almost 3 years…. Why do i want to hurt myself? Why do i want to be gone? Why does everything hurt? It’s not fair.
I’ve always tried to be a good person, be kind to people. I’ve never been rude, I smile to strangers, i make sure to ask about peoples day when i check out or hold the door. I try to help people who are feeling like I do, I donate my time. I really try to be a good person. Why is everything…. so bad?
I don’t have any friends. Okay i know that sounds stupid- but i really truly honestly don’t. After i dropped out of school my friends stopped wanting to hang out or message me. I don’t know how to make friends out of the online world- it’s so hard and i’m so nervous when i see someone i’d want to befriend. I can honestly say i’m very lonely. Of course i have my boyfriend but- you know the difference of hanging out with friends?
I don’t go to school and I don’t work currently. I just spend every day laying in bed lately and sitting around outside for hours.
My dad hates me. I know he does. He never will talk to me other than to tell me i’m lazy or disgusting.
He doesn’t want me to ever go anywhere with him. I ask him if her wants to go on hikes and i offer to go to the store and get him things he needs, but her tells me no he doesn’t feel like it or that i’m just trying to waste his money.
He then will go hiking without me and goes and gets the stuff himself. I went with my parents to the concert recently, whenever i’d talk to him the whole 2 hours in the car he completely ignored me. when we were there he ignored me whenever i talked to him.
My mom tells me not to bother him or give him a bad ‘rep’ because he has anxiety- but when i’m having a panic attack or feel like i want to hurt myself or not be here she yells at me to get over it and grow up.
She then tells the doctors she always tries to make me happy and always listens and understands- but she doesn’t. She gets mad whenever i talk to her because i stress her out…. I guess with a daughter like me I get it…..
I just don’t know what to do anymore i just can’t handle this shit.
Everywhere i go everything is bad. My boyfriends mom constantly yells at him and me due to her being bipolar and it scares me. My parents yell at me- I don’t have anyone to go to.
I’m worthless, i’m pathetic and i don’t even deserve to be alive honestly I really believe this, because if i wasn’t there should just be some sort of sign right? I should have a hobby or talet or something to make me a part of something.
I’m going fucking crazy being alone with myself all the time.
I’m scared to tell my mom and dad And doctors that lately i’ve also been hearing things. I’ve been hearing noises and voices no one else hears and i’m so scared somethings going on eith my medication or i’m going loopy and I want help but they’ll send me back to the hospital for who knows how long. My parents would do anything to shut me the fuck up and put me away for a few weeks like before. I just want help, I just want someone to be there for me.
I want to run away and I want to disappear.
I want to fucking kill myself so badly but since i’m religious i’m scared of doing the ultimate sin, I know i’m a terrible person and I want to be what god wants but i’m just so lost.
Why isn’t he helping me…?
What have i done to deserve this i’m so tired. I just want to feel like i’m worth something. I feel more useless than anything.
I’m just a shell anymore.