been a few months since I’ve been here….I don’t know why, but suddenly, I just couldn’t bring myself to keep coming here to read everything.. guess I got tired….
that and some of the comments people leave, comments that go against what this site is about, is also why I stopped I think…
Oh well….. why did I decide to click on the saved page? Why did I come here? I have no idea…..
But here I am… might as well get some stuff off my chest.
potential trigger warning ahead
Tried to kill myself on my birthday, wouldn’t that have been the worst “fuck you” to everyone…turned 21…. that was my 4th time trying, and the closest I came to succeeding, but still failed…. went for the artery in the wrist..
Was right along it, but fell a few millimeters short of hitting it. Nearly passed out, blood flowing all down my arm and hand. My hand was tingly like it was falling asleep, then panic set it… My god it looked so awful… seeing under that many layers of skin….i guess the fat of the wrist? As soon as it happened, the natural human tendency to survive kicked in and my body started panicking, I think that’s why I nearly passed out… I have a large nasty scar one-third the length of my forearm on my wrist…took 2-3 weeks to heal, but wasn’t hard at all to keep clean after what I’ve already been through….
have you ever seen a deep wound, that goes beyond layers of skin? have you seen a hot dog split open from overheating? It looks exactly like that…..or very similar at least.. I saw a few after slicing my wrist open trying to kill myself, and it made me absolutely sick… because it looks the same…..
the first bad deep cut I ever did, I did accidently just before I had to leave for work, and it being the first, I really didn’t know what to do. I put a large bandaid on it, which did nothing, it was bleeding through and out of it, bleeding through my shirt. When I got to work I put 7 more bandaids all around to try to keep the blood contained, and it was still bleeding heavily through them all, soaking through my shirt… it took about 4 hours for the bleeding to slow down and clot, and it bled overall for a week until it sealed and started healing. I don’t know why i’m telling this…oh well.. at least it gave me the necessary first aid knowledge to tend to my failure of a suicide……
The fucking wrist is quite durable, it’s fragile, but durable….
I don’t know if I could ever…try to do that by cutting again…..
why am i even here
thanks for reading if you did,
~Oathkeeper
2 comments
Hello Oathkeeper.. First of all I’m surprised at how many 20 something year old people want to die .. Like seriously die .. And the nasty ways you come up with.. I’m not judging at all and if the job has to get done well you gota do what ya gota do .. I’m thinking that the Happy birthday I’m dead thing is a great way to get a point across .. Show those fuckers what’s what … But You will be dead and not even know how people feel … They would sure remember a blood soaked corpse sitting next to a birthday cake or Xmas tree .. I tried a few day before my Ex wife’s Birthday .. I guess I was going to make her remember me and how much hurt I felt when we broke up .. I have thought of non gruesome ways though –No bloody messes or ropes hanging from the roof , No missing heads on the train tracks .. YOU KNOW ?? .. But still dead is dead and people move on .. My Brother in law did the suicide thing about 25 years ago and today nobody mentions his name and I think I’m the only one who ever gives him a thought .. And that’s only cause I want a way out and think to myself you did it ..I’ll do it too .. If you manage to overcome the temptation to “end it all” Those scares might be a good thing that reminds you that your human and a stronger person than most .. GOOD LUCK …
I think if I remember right, the age group in the teens-24 is most likely to try. Makes sense to me though… trying to figure out who you are, what you want to do with your life, and if it’s not working out they don’t see the light, or don’t want to if it’s bad enough.