Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen.
How do you do? I’ve read many suicide notes and just registered an account to publish my own suicide note. Where do I start from? I guess from the beginning, eh. Well, I turned 22 this year on the November the 6th. Been severely depressed since 2. I had severe trauma and most likely resulted in brain damage which my parents aren’t telling me about. I have an intermediate stutter and I noticed I have a learning disability and throughout colleges and schools. I’ve been severely bullied on and off basis to the point I had to use deadly force and also been suffering from severe clinical depression for a long fucking time to the point of trying many suicide methods since age 12 and was also fascinated with death, spirituality and then to psychedelic drugs. From that, I wasted 10 years of my life on stupid spirituality and new age bullshit that I thought was real but it isn’t was about to kill myself because 10 years is a long fucking time. Also, been banned from the UK from my very dangerous online criminal activity and have been sabotage (stabbed in the back) by my girlfriend. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep a roof over your head and have food on the table (God, I wanted to use that overused phrase for years). I’m originally from Lithuania. My bro helped me to move to San Francisco to study again in which case was Community College with no education background and he expects me to fly through it. Sure, I have received:
First Semester
Intro Philosophy Ethics: D
Prealgebra: D -> Retook it on the summer: A+
English 102: Pass
Into Geography: A+
When I first failed my math class, my bro got so fucking angry sure he had to pay $1500 for a class (out of state tuition). That’s when I was contemplating my real suicide.
Second Semester
English 1A: W (Withdrawn) – My teach was a real fucking ass hole, sure I plagiarized 1 fucking sentence decides I’m worthless and drops me. Fuck YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. From A to W and it was almost over.
Math 65: C (Most likely D now) I am seriously fucking up on this class.
Business Law: A
Intro Communications: A
Studying to get undergrad bachelor’s degree.
Thanks to Motivational videos that kept me truly going and study of science but it doesn’t matter anymore.
_________________________________________________
Other class doesn’t really matter, it’s just the math part. So, if I fail this math 65 class I’m getting deported and back to Lithuania nothing is waiting for me, most likely will end up on the streets for all I know. Sure, I can raise up in fucked up Economy (without education) and fly to Netherlands to go to free tuition College or join the life of crime and prison to survive but to avoid many people getting hurt I decided to end my life somewhere in this December 2016 by using carbon monoxide x2 and maybe plenty of candles in a sealed toilet or San Fransico Bridge (Small survival percentage) or highest building and jump from the top. When there is a will there is a way. Or maybe I will do it right on the Happy New years. I will also be celebrating in my fucking toilet! Celebrating how I’m going to die at that moment! FUCK YES !!!!
Well, FUCK! This was supposed to be my suicide letter but fucking hell, I have nothing to write. Except I love my mom very much and my bro too, a little bit. Sure, I know he pushes me but there are certain limits when you push somebody and not giving any fucking support = you break down. And I already had a dozen of mental breakdowns and traumas. I’m fucking done.
This youtube video describes clinical depression perfectly!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=N7hRW_gQ228
Also since the age of 2 I’ve been on fucking medications and some of them fucked me up permanently to the age of 10. I stopped using those shits!
This one is great too!
Oh, I also had very abusive parents but who doesn’t nowadays. I know I’m writing parts and pieces but maybe that’s what keeps it interesting? Anyway, been a gamer for a while because truth is video games just keeps you going but at the same time makes your life worthless as years pass on. My girlfriend doesn’t want me to do it and wants to help me in maths. But if I don’t pass 101% this December I will finally disappear.
Before suiciding yourself do you feel lonely that you’re going to die alone? Because I hella do. I wish I would have died with somebody even a stranger. :'(
Enjoy this music while you gather your thoughts.
45 comments
If you have any questions or need to rant feel free to post! BUT PLEASE DO NOT PITY ME!
Hi, I like your personality. Your mind is brilliant. Perhaps you should go to Netherlands, even if it involves doing some criminal activity.
You are different. Many users on this site could not even survive or cope like you and many are afraid to go to college because of mental disorders like social anxiety, etc.
Hahaha thanks, man! That cheered me up but I’m afraid it’s too late. Maybe it isn’t… Well, going to try to tie a noose and see how it goes. Dang! I hate that strange strangulation, maybe with weights will do it. Eh, will miss my first class. Fuck it!
I’ll update how it went and if I no longer respond I’m gone.
I hate those videos .. That first one I just watched it so I could feel sorry for myself and have a cry – wishing and hoping there is something special waiting for me .. I too have a Honda generator I’m falling in love with and a wheelchair size bathroom .. I know that you understand what I’m saying .. I have the clinical depression thing going on so I can feel everything your saying .. I won’t pity you but I do say I feel for everybody that has to deal with this shit . Nobody should have to feel the need to kill themselves .. But if the world you live in has let you down so bad .what choice does one have . I think the happiness you would feel as you slip into death would be better than a ” maybe ” great life in in maybe 10 or 20 years . Again this may be different for myself as I’d be 60 or 70 That’s too long for me to roll the dice .. – For now I’ll watch your Vids and have a sook .. Thanks .Good luck …
Hahaha… Yup. Honestly, I don’t want to die or even attempt suicide. When I listen to these videos it gives me courage that’s what “I need to do”. It may sound selfish because it is but it is also selfish living in pain day to day basis living for others.
I honestly lost all of the motivation throughout my life to study, to learn new things, socialize even with my speech disorder. I don’t give a fuck! Lost the love I had for my girlfriend. I don’t feel anything anymore.
While I was “a run away” from government officials hiding in Lithuania, I wasted 2 fucking years just hiding. Sure, I changed my name through you know what. Even then I tried my best to live 1 more fucking day. Calisthenics, gym, and road biking helped a lot. Kept my mind busy. But everyday fucking hits you in your face and life just smashes you and you drop to your knees. I think, I think I no longer can do it, man. ;'(
So, what are my options?
-Go back to the UK = Prison for life. (IF police run a background check).
-Go back to Lithuania, sure I might be sweeping streets earning a couple of cents and maybe in 10 years go to Netherlands, however. Due to fucked salaries, I doubt if I’d find a home to rent. Also, god. The winter man, the winter! I’d die from hypothermia alone. However, when joining a criminal life or a gang. Lithuanian’s won’t let you go that easy, if it comes to that = you get killed because you know too much. OR Prison by undercover mother fucker.
-I can run away from home but that would just equal prison (Expired Visa) or death by natural causes.
-Or… Study and try to pass that math class which is less than 1% and it’s going to be even harder what I’m going through.
Great life in maybe 10 years? Doesn’t look good. In fact it is a lot more worst. I think I’ve seen the life I needed to see.
I could try to help you with your math if you’d like. I might have studied already what you’re studying right now. I’m really busy(still in university) but i might find some time. Sooo message me or reply to this comment or something
You see. I have extremely difficult time asking for help for anybody. Sure, my girlfriend is a great math teacher. Better than my brother for sure! I don’t like when he gets frustrated with me. My girlfriend seems very soft, I like that.
And I still refuse… I suffer alone, I live alone, I sleep alone, I eat alone and yup. I lost my friends when I told them I’m suffering from mental disorder, oh well. Now, what else is there to add? I’ll die alone. Well, I hope it succeeds. Fucking hell!
Alright… These are the most likely methods that I will be using.
Carbon Monoxide.
I was thinking of doing it in a sealed toilet but I’m extremely afraid of surviving it. Was thinking of getting a tent and a shovel. Go to a forest dig a hole that’s big enough for my tent. Cover it so nobody finds out and it will give me an extra time of lethality with 2 charcoal grills.
Helium Exist Bag.
I don’t have the funds for this one and to get a helium tank is no easy feat. Most likely avoid.
Hanging. – Will try this one now.
I tried in the past but this time it will be for real. Hanging from a door with heavy weights on.
Jumping from Height. (Most likely avoid)
San Francisco bridge is too risky. I haven’t tried accessing highest buildings in San Francisco and most likely there will be heavy security with unbreakable windows.
And I know this is deadly ****. You can’t change your mind after 30 seconds without ramifications. This is an all-or-nothing approach.
——————————————–
Thank you for support and thankful that nobody here mentioning “Call this hotline bullshit”.
But my girlfriend (well were more than friends, or friends) says with me. She also considered suicide. I am her fuel. So, I will not tell her that I’m doing it. Because she even cried for me which I felt what a pathetic loser I am.
But the problem is. I don’t believe her. She seems sketchy. I’ve met many girls and learned much. I’m convinced she is lying about suicide and her life. Because I’ve been through it with this other Asian terrorist chick who stabbed my back and I’m not going to go through it again. Ever.
I think that terrorist chick either was a terrorist working behind my back or undercover. I never heard from her again before I escaped. Heard from police officials that I had connections with she was a terrorist agent and I was drugged many times and also there was a ticket to Japan with my on it to be a suicide *****.
Shit, I shouldn’t be mentioning this out to the public. Fuck it. NSA already knows about it.
And this is just scratching the surface. I’m fucking done with life. Seen to many miserable paths and deaths.
Sorry for my spam! Got so much shit to say! (Btw, I love swearing. Can express my feelings properly). 😉 Even if it is not needed.
This music just sets the mood… God, I love this one! 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2zS_z_rH3M&t=946s
And this will be the video I will be listening when I die (On repeat)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESWzPhZWYeI
Alright, ladies and gentlemen!
I have 1 recipe that tastes really good!
-Canned beans with water – cook it till boiling.
-Any sausages and microwave it, I usually take x2.
-x2 slices of turkey.
-A handful of mozzarella chopped cheese.
Mix everything. I know it’s not very healthy but who gives a shit when you’re about to die and finishing your favorite meal, eh? 🙂
I will try hanging method filming myself to see what I’ve done wrong and what I can improve to my succession. First without weights, if no success then with weights.
If I don’t reply tomorrow, I’m gone or in hospital brain dead. Just hope that I’ll die on the first try.
“When he endures nothing but endless miseries– What pleasure is there in living the day after day,
Edging slowly back and forth toward death?
Anyone who warms their heart with the glow
Of flickering hope is worth nothing at all.
The noble man should either live with honor or die with honor. That’s all there is to be said.”
? Sophocles, Sophocles II: Ajax/Women of Trachis/Electra/Philoctetes
Feeling so fucking happy, if I fail. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll succeed to the point of slitting my throat! Ohhh, love me love me!! ohhh, fool me foool me! Oh shit, I’m crying. What reason? Ah fuck it! Ohhhh, love meee and leaveee mee time to fucking die alone! FUCK YESSSSSS
Hey! Must listen to this shit! Sounds very right along with the ‘”rage against dying light”. Mom I love you loads! And for brother, FUCK! This is my love for you! So, you won’t have to waste thousands of dollars for me retaking fucking classes! (Oh, you don’t like swearing, deal with it mother fucker!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us0mos981pM&index=2&list=PL8FBE6E1EBF187A55
Oh my god.. This song just hit me from sorrowful happiness to most heavenly happiness ! wooopp woooooooop! Ok, while I listen to this… Going to tight a noose and rope my door handles so they can’t get in giving me more time to increase extra few percentage to death.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nON_fZeYG9E&list=PL8FBE6E1EBF187A55&index=3
Ahh FUCK! It’s a playlist! Well, if I’m not here by tomorrow. Listen to it for my memory! 🙂
I’m still here trying different positions of the loose knot. Shit, I’m little afraid of what’s waiting for me after death. I’m an Athiest but still having doubts. I know it’s nothing but it’s extremely difficult to comprehend nothingness.
if you are still there…silverComplex, please stay with us for a little longer. You can still figure out your life — this situation isn’t terminal… Why not go to Netherlands and get an education there? By the looks of things you still have ways to turn your life around. Please stay. I can stay here and we can talk.
I was about to check replies before doing it. Got everything set up. Loose around my head and tight my hands and legs together so less thrashing around to avoid suspicions.
Well, I hope you’ve read my post… I have no life anymore. I’ve already written to go to Netherlands would be mere to impossible due to fucked Economy over in Lithuania.
And can you not retake community college? Are you sure that you’ll fail the math? Maybe get some help…there are a lot of online resources. Maybe I can help if you want, I have a pretty good understanding of math. Talk to your teacher, I’m sure he/she will understand.
My email’s that xyz 7 (at) gmail . com
Please email me and I can try and help out (with Math and anything else you need)
Also, you seem to be doing very well apart from some courses. It takes time to adapt, but I am sure that you will be able to succeed. Please don’t think the situation is hopeless.
Oh my fucking god… Hanging is fucking HARD! WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!
My bro will come back in an hour. I’ll try couple of more times at night preferably with weights and if that doesn’t work, I’ll try in the morning and in the next morning I’ll be using carbon monoxide if that doesn’t work I’m jumping from somewhere really fucking high.
why can’t you go to a different country, besides the Netherlands — how about Finland? I think they have free tuition, right?
You’re absolutely right. And about other countries, I’m not worried. Just fucking worried how I’m going to get a job in Lithuania because all jobs require some sort of education. And how the fuck I’m going to support myself in that fucked Economy.
I can go to Sweden to my dad’s but shit. I would rather not face the humility, I’m not going through that dozen of times again.
Why do you need to get a job in Lithuania? Why do you need to return there? Are you sure going to sweden would be that badf…look I know it might seem humiliating, but if you get yourself together and do well at your job/education etc. then I think that wouldn’t be humiliating at all. Right???
If I failed other classes, I can retake. Hell, my next year semester will be taking around 10 classes a semester + Summer to finish on time and my community doesn’t give an extra year. So, I ‘m fucked either way.
I stopped attending classes a week ago. I was serious about my suicide doing tons of research.
seriously though it’s never too late. Talk to some teachers at school, tell them about the problems you’re facing–I fucked up last year (like really fucked up) but once I talked to the teachers, they understood and helped me get through it & i’m still on track b/cos of that. Also why don’t you want to take an extra year of school? Is it the tuition?
Teachers don’t give a shit. Maybe in high school teachers help but I’m in college dude. And you’re probably not an international student. You can fuck up as many times as you want. It’s the tuition and they won’t allow me to take an extra year.
Oh my god… Are you serious? Are you high on something? Maybe you need to take that extra LSD pill.
Jokes apart. To go to any other country. I need a fucking visa. I can’t fly from US straight to Finland and start going to education and part time job. World doesn’t work this way and if I did that I would have gotten deported back to Lithuania.
I would need to get a job in Lithuania to fucking “SUPPORT MYSELF” because no one is going to help me. I don’t want to go there or need to return there. If I fail this math 65 which I will fail in 99.999999999991% I will get “DEPORTED”. And I doubt I will get accepted by my dads because I changed my whole fucking name and hate his guts because he is abusive mother fucker that I would rather kill and then kill myself.
I hope you understand. Fucking HELLL!!
What the hell is an lsd pill?
That’s why google search engine exists. Look it up.
But good news guys. I think I’ve figured a way to hang properly thanks to this article: http://1226608.sites.myregisteredsite.com/seantheartist/archived/01032012/0204-full/F04D-ScienceOfHanging-1.html
I’ll be doing it at night time. In 5 hours. I found a way to hang on top of my little tip toes and breathing a little bit while it is very tide around the sides. I didn’t put full force yet but it felt like working.
tide? Sorry for my spelling. “Tight”* DAMN!
That’s why google search engine exists. Look it up.
How much water do you need to drink to die?
After downing some six liters of water in three hours in the “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” (Nintendo game console) contest, Jennifer Strange vomited, went home with a splitting headache, and died from so-called water intoxication. There are many other tragic examples of death by water.
Anybody tried this?
weakness
dizziness
nausea
muscle cramps
slurred speech
confusion
loss of consciousness
seizures in severe cases
If hanging doesn’t work. Might be more painful but fuck it. At least it will be set in motion and there’s nothing you can do it about it. Seems legit.
Taken with painkillers? Shit, might try it tomorrow.
Look, sorry ive been so unhelpful to you… know i can only understand to a certain point….i was just hoping you might reconsider.
Good news everyone, and to you too chasethenight and will chase the night to the end. 😉
My friend is also considering suicide. She was thinking taking cyanide and I’m worried that it’s going to be hella painful than jumping from a height. Holy fucking shiiiiiit!
I’m going to meet her today and talk more options. lol.
At night I didn’t do it was too fucking tired and felt asleep while playing this “dragonica” game on a private server. I was enjoying too much of it and I felt asleep.
Anyway, shit. You have no idea how fucking hard it is wake up shower and dress up and make food. DAng… And I have to bike to fuking college.
Going to take a dozen of grams of coffee, I don’t give a fuck. Was thinking to miss a class. But hey, I might learn something from Law class.
Will keep you updated. 😉
Ello Ladies and Gentlemen.
I think I found a way to do it. In a forest underground.
pup tent, shovel, sleeping pills & painkillers, helium tanks x4, rope, tubes, and strong bag x2, and tape.
Or carbon monoxide: grills x2 and 15 pounds of charcoal.
If that doesn’t work then climb a tree and hang suspension, going to be hella painful but fuck it.
Those are my plans. 😉
I’ve been so fucking, so fucking down lately. Shit, been so tired all the time and trying to sleep, I just lay there quiet. Can’t speak because everyone around is passed out. My fucking mind is raging. Fuck, why the fuck I’m I stalling. I think, I think it will be a time for me to leave soon. Just call it quits. Sick of this bullshit. It’s the same FUCKING DAY! EVERDAY! I think I sleep. Fuck it. That doesn’t matter. I’m tired, man.
Fuck this shit. I’m a mess. Fuck this post and fuck everyone. FUCK YOU!
amity affliction.
Haahaha. That was funny. Just listened to one of the videos. I liked it. Even though I don’t like screamos.
Anyway, how are you?
ive been better
http://suicideproject.org/?p=421675&preview=true
MY new updated post.