Why do I do this…
Is it normal for me to want to reject happiness? There’s nothing in my actual life that makes me happy anymore… I only like being alone, but no one seems to get that… I just want to stay in my room, away from everyone, to hide my true feelings…
Everyday is a lie. I lie so much, and I don’t stop. It’s so easy, and everyone just accepts it. One small, fake smile is all it takes for them to accept it. No one ever follows through with their questions. I always answer with ‘fine,’ and no one seems to care enough to ask more questions and whether I’m okay or not.
I’m not okay.
I haven’t been okay for the last year.. Or maybe longer.. I’m not really sure… I only became aware last September when I started to screw up my life.
I used to be fine. All A’s student, good piano player, social enough… But now, I’m nothing. I’ve lost all sight and motivation. I don’t see the point in doing anything anymore. We’re all gonna die anyways, right? So what’s the point in continuing to suffer in this hell hole?
I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all my friends by this point. The only happiness I have is when I’m alone… With books, music, and games… The only true friends I have are the few online friends I have.
It really sucks… The people you can relate to most and speak openly with are usually never near you. They could be half way around the world from you.
One of my best friends lives in the UK, while I’m stuck in this dump called the US. Yes, any place can be called a dump, but right now, the UK looks better to me, and I don’t really care about your opinion on that.
I just want to get away from my family. Obviously they don’t want me either considering that they practically threaten to send me away every week if I don’t have “perfect grades” and “studying 24/7.”
My brother doesn’t really care about me. I always help him, keeping him from trouble, doing favours.. And all I get back is insults among other things… Private and with others. Such a great brother- I thought he was supposed to help me, not push me down like everyone else.
I wish I could find someone that could see through me. See through all the lies and fake smiles. But that doesn’t happen in the real world. Not to me at least.
Also, apparently I always look like I want to kill someone in school…. I guess that’s true if I can count myself as someone.
I always thought that my parents’ job was to take care of me until I’m at least 18 and out of high school… But I have a strong feeling that’s not gonna happen… I don’t think I can last that long if this is how life is going to continue…
Currently, I’m 15, 10th grade, slowly getting worse in school, and have no help from others. Of course there are ‘resources’ available like counsellors and all that crap, but it’s just the same stuff over and over, and it doesn’t help. I figured that out after the first few times.
I have about $500, and no job, so I can’t really go anywhere yet. I really should have another $1000 but my parents took that for themselves.
I really want things to be fixed, but nothing is going to happen if I don’t do something… And I can’t do anything. I’m already behind in my work, and then I just keep holding off the rest, not doing it… And then not turning anything… And then falling back even more… And repeating the cycle…
Is it bad that I’ve fantasised about how to kill others? As much as my family has cared for me, they’ve caused me twice as much pain. Life is such a fragile thing. It can be easily taken with the simple flick of the wrist and a knife.
I honestly have no reason why I should be like this… It just.. Happened. Sometimes I wish that something would happen. Something out of the ordinary… A car crash perhaps. Maybe some kind of murder or death. Or anything that would give me a reason to be like this… But I have nothing.
I keep getting asked one question, and I keep asking this to myself too….
Why… Why why why…
But I have nothing. No answers for anything. No way to fix anything. I’ve only seen really one clear solution… Maybe one other possible solution, but unlikely in my state.
I keep on wishing something would happen. But I know nothing’s going to happen. Sometimes I wish this world would just get what it deserves and die. With so much hate and unbalance, how did we even get this far? It’s bound to fall apart soon. And I hope it happens very soon. It would make things so much easier.
If you happened to actually read all the way through this… Well, thanks I guess… Don’t really know what else to say.
It’s always like that… I never really know what to say… And whenever I write something like this, there is no particular order… I’ll write part of one topic, move to the next, and then go back two topics… I don’t even know if any of this made any sense… And then I just keep going back…
Back to nothing.
3 comments
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I completely know what you are on about when you talk about the shallow and non-committing nature of most day-to-day interactions with people. It is pathetic how little people try to look beyond the surface, where you might simply say that you are doing “fine” even when you obviously aren’t, but no one wants or cares to look. I long for a connection as well, with someone that actually wants to hear about what it going on inside of my head, and wants me to hear the same thing about them. Anyone short of someone who has also been there is likely not going to be terribly useful in that regard, as if you haven’t been there yourself, your mind just seems incapable of fathoming how someone could live their entire life in that hell.
I am in a different stage of life, being 22 and just having started grad school, but my academic success (or lack thereof) is much the same as yours. I did very well in undergrad, well enough to get into a “top 10” school in my program for grad studies, but now I can’t even muster up the motivation to even begin to care about studying or doing a problem set. I just go to my classes, take notes so that I look like I am doing something, then promptly get home as quickly as possible so that I can retreat into some movie/album/show/etc (or simply some intricate fantasy scenario that I have invented within my own mind that brings me some kind of relief for a short time). Every day is like that, now.
this might seem cliche, but
You are young, just starting out to receive everything the world and life has to throw at you, not to mention the whole teenage hormone thing, which just amplifies everything.
Things CAN be different, better even. By no means does it mean it WILL, but it CAN.
The earlier you give up, the less chance of that there is.
When I was a younger version of myself, yet still feeling, appearing, maybe even being the same, as I am now. I tried everything wrong I could think of: Violence, drugs, alcohol, sex, partying, insolence, “laziness”, selfharm. Nothing changed around me, and more importantly none of it made me feel any better.
So I tried doing everything “right”: Stopped all the over-partying, drinking, drugs, put on my best attitude and behavior I could muster up without going insane, went to counseling and therapy, started on meds, eating healthy, exercising, altering my appearance, damn wasn’t I handsome now, socializing.
And none of it helped, a couple of things changed around me, I was shocked by how little, but most importantly, I didn’t feel any better, I even felt slightly more wrong, because this wasn’t me.
Then I met someone, by a fluke accident, whats seems now as a cruel joke, but then seemed like winning the lottery, I got to know a person that understood me, felt me, truly saw me.
And things were finally starting to seem better, I felt better, better than ever.
No counselor or psychiatrist had any effect on me, and here talking to this person, made me feel better than all the “professionals” or any meds they handed me. and for a while I was living life.
While it isn’t a guarantee of anything, the point of it is you need to find someone you connect with, that understands you, that sees you, who you are, all of you.
It doesn’t mean that it’s easy, but it IS possible, there are people out there that can feel you and ease everything, if only a little., but that might just be enough.
And while it might seem hard to find someone like that, or impossible, the key here is you give it a try. The younger you give up, the more you cut your chances short.
Even though things might not even turn out better, or if they do that they stay better, the important thing is it might, it can.
And you shouldn’t give up before you got to live life at least once, even if only for a little while, or at least gave it a shot and tried to
Then if things doesn’t go the way it should and you become an old fart like myself, you can smile to yourself, before you give up and think, “at least I gave it a try”