I got high today. It was not one of those pleasurable highs, nor was it one of those superbad one. It just made me feel like committing suicide again.
Three years ago, I was on the verge of suicide. I had hit a block in terms of the pressure of school of life and of goddamn love. It was so weird in that I thought life would never get better, that it would be a drag to continue. However, I did continue. It involved a lot of pain but I got to where I am.
Now, I feel that a pair of mist covered sunglasses have been removed from me. I spent 3 years doing nothing. I was not trying to do anything because I was playing a piece. I was an actor in a play and the play has ended. I don’t feel like I have any purpose now except for remediating the past years. I got close to people, thinking I could help them while not realizing what huge gaping hole I have in myself. I have been lying because I never once realized I was not saying the truth. I am sorry…
I am at the start of holidays rn. I can’t deal with this. I can see perfectly the path set for me yet I have the feeling it will never be realized. I just want it to stop, you know.
Damn, as if ranting helps.
But one side of me still perseveres. If you wear that face for long enough…It become yours. So I pray, I pray to let me be the person I think I am…