I’ve been suicidal for about 10 years now (on and off ) i say on and off because I go through times where all that’s on my mind is killing my self. I’ve never actually talked to anyone about this. I tried to kill my self when I was 16. I am now 22 . For about a week now I’ve been researching ways to kill myself . I don’t want to fail this time . But I am scared . I don’t want my loved ones to feel pain when I’m gone but I know that is impossible. So I rather make it so it looks like an accident maybe it’ll hurt them less. Idk what triggered it this time around . I just know for the last few months I’ve been really sad and all I want to do is cry . I feel so useless. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me . I really don’t want to feel this way anymore. I keep telling myself that eventually this will go away and I’ll go back to normal but I’ve never wanted to kill myself as much as I do this time around . I actually have thought out 3 different plans this time around .
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I’ve had times like that too, where my personal “project” is to research different ways…
I always come away from it feeling discouraged that there just doesn’t seem to be a way that is 100% immediate, 100% painless, 100% guaranteed, and 100% mess-free.
It’s frustrating.
Eventually time passes and I stop searching…
The depression doesn’t go away (it never does), but my death-urge fades for awhile.
Then, a few months/years down the road, it repeats itself over again.
And over.
Repeat.
In the meantime, during the less-depressed times, I try searching out things that can bring me at least a little peace or joy, even a tiny bit.
Music, delicious treats, calming scents, soft textures, beautiful pictures and colors.
Anything helps.
Maybe you should open up about this to someone you trust. You’d be surprised at how big a difference support from others make. Trying to fight this alone is almost impossible.
“I feel so useless. “, trust me on this, you are not, far from
“I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me”, who would, why should you, but, you would like someone to care, right? There is. There is always at least 1 that cares.
I think you should listen to the wise words above from Cordless and SadPotato,
reach out, let someone take your hand, find the little joys and pieces of peace there is out there for you, maybe when you find enough, it’s not so little pieces anymore, and you could dare venture a smile and be happy.