So… i finally picked up my blade again, i guess it was inevitable.
I just need to vent some crap, and i hope it won’t surprise anyone here.
it’s test time again, i have to get to studying, again… my group depends on me, again… my family wants me to succeed, to help my brother, to have kids, to be prductive, to take care of my parents.
i feel like i’m nothing but that, another machine expected to keep going until i die. It feels pointless to try and resist, to be angry with my parents, with school, with college, with the system, with the world. it feels pointless to try being happy.
Part of me wants someone to come into the room and see my arm bleeding, to tell me that i’m okay, to lie to me ant tell me i’m special, unique, that i should be happy, my parents love me, i’m not hungry, i’m good at college, yet everything feels useless.
I’ve had enough, i can’t keep going. I’m not a machine. I tried.
i want to stop. I want to rest. i want to die already. i slipped a little with my cutter and almost cutted my arm’s nerves in two. It doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, but there will be a way for me to keep working, keep breathing, keep smiling, keep fulfilling everyone’s wishes. after all, if i can’t be happy, at least i can make them smile for real.
Oh well, i have to go back home this weekend, and the subway has a nice front car. i hope i don’t make too much of a mess.
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2 comments
I promise you, you are beautiful and you deserve to love yourself, I promise , you are cared about because although I may not know you I’m sat here writing to you because I care, your family do care about you, look around you your surrounded by people who want the best for you and maybe sometimes it feels like they are pushing you but maybe to them they don’t see it like that and are just wanting you to have the best (maybe it’s not the case but try have an open mind)…. If it’s getting to much tell them no one deserves to be put under so much pressure.
You are okay and I mean this not because you asked for it but because it’s normal to feel under pressure when you are under pressure. Your family may have their vision for your life, but ultimately they only want you to be happy, they may just not know yet that your vision of happiness is not the same as their, but that’s ok.
I am sure that you’ll do fine in your tests but even if you don’t that won’t be the end of the world. As my grandmother once said, the world will keep spinning anyway. Things have a tendency to work out somehow in the end.