It’s funny, families and friends of suicide victims always say “I wish I’d known,” or “I wish they’d said something.” But when you reach out there is no one there to take your hand. They are so consumed in their own lives to take notice of overt requests for help. I reached out, without saying specifically why I needed them here but made it obvious something was very wrong, and got back only “I can’t, I’m too busy.” Fortunately for them, I apparently have a high tolerance to Valium, muscle relaxers, narcotics, and a mix of other stuff because I still woke up this morning.
So tomorrow I will get up and go to work and pretend it’s all ok. I will not say anything and they won’t ask questions. I’ll keep my sleeves down and make sure blood doesn’t seep through. I will tell them the chronic pain isn’t too bad today and I won’t mention the fact that he left because he doesn’t want a broken toy who just isn’t enough. I won’t mention the fact that my last chance to have a child just walked out the door because the doctor said it would be very hard. I won’t tell my family that I’m not coming home for Christmas because I don’t want to burden them. And I won’t tell anyone what I did or that I just don’t want to do this another day.
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9 comments
I get you.
Most people’s problems are not as scary as being suicidal. When they say something’s wrong, they mean they’re having some trouble at work or something rather than they’re thinking about ending their life. You could try being more direct.
I just had a conversation with my good friend. I went through a moment where I needed someone and he was unavailable in a cold way. I was more hurt that he was cold than him being unavailable. This is what I think:
– we are responsible for our own actions.
– friends can’t be available 100% of the time because they’ve got their own stuff going on.
– a friend I ask for help is not solely responsible for saving me if I contact them in distress.
– I’d rather ask for help from someone who knows their own ability to give help, rather than from someone who feels they have to help and then help begrudgingly because they don’t have time. THIS is what makes me feel like a burden – the idea that I might be asking too much from someone without knowing that it is too much.
I think “its just a phase that everyone goes through” is my favorite response when reach out to someone. Always nice to know they don’t give a damn.
“just a phase” is a classic response. News flash for the ill informed, a “phase” doesn’t last this long! At least there are like minded people here that know the difference and can relate.
Yeah, I hate the “I wish I’d known,” or “I wish they’d said something” shit. They know. They just couldn’t be bothered to help or talk to us. Most of us just want somebody to listen to us. Really listen. That’s all. And they don’t. They refuse to listen, they refuse to acknowledge our pain, they dismiss us, they dismiss our cries. It’s always “stop being so dramatic” or “stop complaining”. Then when something does happen, it’s “oh, I had NO idea!” “S/he NEVER told me!”
Bastards.
I must admit, I didn’t even know that my brother was suicidal. However, I did know that he suffered from deression and alcoholism.
And honestly when he died, I don’t think I ever said I wish I would have been there for him. I just truly believed that he was now at peace. Just another perspective.
Yep that’s right broken-toy .People know there is something wrong and move further away .. And if you do tell someone what’s going on they treat you like a nut job .. You have to wait till your dead .. When there having a service for you, you can be assured that if you could look up you would see everybody that you needed for support and were not there for you when you needed them . And they would all be crying and saying how much they will miss you … I have seen this in life and as lonely as I am now Iknow when I die It will be the same for me .. I’ll have 20 people wishing they had reached out .. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP …. People suck ..
I love when you say something like “How much is one person supposed to take…I should just waste myself and end this shit.” ……and all you get is silence.
No one takes anything seriously anymore. Either that or they talk about it for a little bit and then dismiss it never to be brought back up so that the other person or people can live in denial about it. People don’t respond to us because they don’t want to believe it’s true, or because they don’t want to have to feel entitled to helping you. That’s what it seems to be like around me anyway. Literally, No one understands the way we think and the way we feel unless they are in the same boat. Otherwise they are distracted and/or oblivious to anything outside their own lives.
That’s how I am perceiving this in my life right now anyway.
And also, I had been addicted to heroin for the past four years. No one who really mattered knew about it until thirteen days ago when I overdosed in my mom’s bathroom and almost died. At first while I was in the hospital they were concerned. But now that Moment has passed and everyone looks over it like it never happened. Just pretend I’m not completely fucked in the head. No one really understands what you’re going through. I’ve learned that. They aren’t you and they don’t know what it’s like at all. They have no clue. And if they did, they most definitely perceived it differently because no two people experience something exactly the same.