How the fuck can I find the strength to get through tommorow? Major OCD varients that hit me as soon as I get up, a social phobia that has wrecked my confidence, and a recent berevament which totally floored me and which has caused me to turn to booze.
My relatives just say “you’ll get through it”. No I wont fucking get through it, They don’t know shit about what’s going on in my mind. I’m gonna eventually go mad I think, not mad that anyone’s in danger. but mad in that I have a breakdown or something that I’m gonna end up in some hospital which scares the shit of out of me. Just too much in my mind to deal with. Suicide was my way out, but I haven’t been able to achieve it, which kinda sucks balls.
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See I look at “normal” people everyday, and I feel they got the high cards. I know there are vast parts of the world where people are living in abject poverty. I honestly dunno if I’d take that if my mental problems were taking away in the process.
I dunno some of them seem happy enough, others of course not so much
what makes me feel worse is when remembering, there are those people there, WITH the added shit some of us feel we “suffer” greatly with. Imagine to have to endure it all, at the same time.
breaks my heart, and makes me feel like even more of a shit for feeling and being this way I am, when others got it so objectively worse
Money, and material things might not be “everything”, even if we are “low/middle income”, but i think it helps more than we appreciate, even if we squander it
It’s like feeling shit enough and wishing one had cancer or another terminal illness, but realizing others, who doesn’t deserve it, has it, making it such a terrible wish, one deserves even worse, but doesnt get punished, seeing the innocent does instead of oneself.
There are times I can appreciate what I have, and others where I hate myself for it. But I can’t change that I was born in a western country, and nothing I could do could make it so that all the 3rd world country children took my place. All I can is accept that is how things are. and maybe in those moments of realization, squander a little less, and be slightly satisfied at least i didn’t get dealt full high cards, despite wanting them at times
Good point about poverty and having to deal with the added shit.
Only helps me for a while though.. Im fighting a battle against a breakdown. If I lose it I’m gonna end up in a hospital with the same shit ocd and social stuff I have out here with the added bonus of some idiot wanting to help me. If I continue the good fight and dont break then I’m left with the same shit out here. At least out here I can drink and dream that Im gonna manage to pop my clogs somehow.
I can’t imagine the prison and burden true OCD is, I feel like a bastard thinking myself lucky that I wasn’t dealt that card but another, and despite not having that struggle myself, I still get pissed when other “whiners” complaint about their fake OCD. Seems like it’s used so much as a random excuse for something trivial nowadays.
No Danny, “wanting” to get 100% completion in a video game, and getting upset at the developer for making you do X you find challenging, or “liking” straight lines in simcity is not real OCD; and is mocking those that do have it and struggle with it, and even more those that never will get “cured”
Hope you manage to steer clear of the breakdown, and that the booze doesn’t eventually turn on you too to keep you from being able to dream some dreams of yours
I agree