Don’t get me wrong had a brill day lots of family time and fab gifts, I feel bad complaining as some of you guys have spent Christmas alone or had no family to spend time with etc, but my health condition has been threatening to put me in hospital again over the last few days and I can’t stand it anymore! It feels like I’m constantly being tortured.
I planned to commit suicide after the Christmas holidays so now I just got to get through the next few days of visiting family without ending up in hospital or try ending it too soon around them just out of impulse as I want to end all this suffering so badly right now.
6 comments
What condition are you suffering from? I would like to try to help you cope with this. I don’t believe suicide is a good idea. Because while you may be ending your own suffering you’ll only be creating more for your family. It’s not hopeless.
I have Ideopathic non histamine mediated angioedema which causes random parts of my body to spontaneously swell up such as throat, tongue, face, feet, gums so literally everywhere it can. It mainly gets triggered by stress, heat, cold, exercise but can just pop up without any of these.
I have been in an out of hospital nearly weekly over the last 2 years and nothing has helped till recently but the medication is so expensive they won’t let me have it and specialists are now making out I’m faking it even though I have multiple pictures and other drs have seen how bad it can get! They want to try me on antihistamines again but they made me worse previously and put me in hospital.
I’m just at my wits end! I have had swelling of my tongue now for the last few days and small throat and roof of mouth swellings but they can progress very fast and affect my airway which puts me on edge. Also haven’t been able to sleep much which also doesn’t help.
That sounds massively bad and yucky! I can certainly understand why you would want to commit suicide.
Inflammation is ultimately what killed my dad a year ago. He had chronic rheumatoid arthritis. There were no drugs that gave him any relief. Over 15 years he went from a very active life to being bed bound. One day he decided to eat as much of the pain meds as they would give him. He fell asleep and never woke up.
I treasured the time I had with him. Taking care of him in his last year was very tough on me but I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
If my dad decided much earlier to end his life I would have told him I understood and that I will always love him.
I hope you find the peace you seek.
Thanks See Smith but sorry to hear about your dad,
It’s horrible to see loved ones suffering also. My mum has osteoarthritis and is in constant pain and now needs a hip replacement and is also taking so many pain killers that I think it’s slowly killing her and I’m also finding it difficult to see it happening. She told me a couple of weeks ago she doesn’t know how much she can take and if she wanted I wouldn’t stop her as I understand as I want the same for me. But when I told her I wanted to die she said I was being selfish which isn’t very fair. But hey ho I’m going so it’s tough titties lol
Many people, religious or not, seem to think if you go something horrible will happen to your soul. It’s the way they were raised. That selfish argument is complete weak sauce. Do try to have some empathy for her. Being a parent and having your child die before you is the stuff of nightmares.
That being said, it’s your life. It’s your decision. You sound like you’ve tried everything you could. Some people just end up with shitty malfunctioning bodies. I’m all rah-rah for the guy born with no arms or legs and half a testicle that goes on to write a book. But he didn’t decide to stick around I don’t think that would mean he’s any less of a person.
You do as much as you can with what you have until it gets to the point where you can’t cope.
Safe journeys!
Yeah, I know it’s going to be hard for them all especially my mum, I think that’s why ultimately been putting it off as it hasn’t been the right timing. But I don’t think you ever will find the perfect day and I realise that now, my main fear is being found to soon and being in a worse situation that I am now and not being able to do anything about it then, my thoughts are my own worst enemy atm.