What have I done.

I don’t know how long it has been since I crushed, snorted and swallow all the Adderall pills I could find and any other as well. I apologize if this seems incoherent or miss spelled I could be reacting to the Adderall. Adderall is prescribed to me so it wasn’t hard to get, other than the fact they won’t give me more than once a day. So, I started saving them up every day for the past few weeks or days? I have no idea if it’s enough. I read someone where if you snort the pills you are more likely to overdose so that’s what I did. I would go into why and I kinda of want to explain but I also don’t know how much time I can keep typing and still make sense. Now, that I am sitting back and basically just waiting I am having pangs of regret. But also the thoughts of “Fuck it, I already took like 20 pills why stop now?”. It’s like I want to stop but can’t stop. It’s like my body is just so done it’s doing it for me. I’ll admit I’m a wimp, every other time I have tried to kill myself I even been able to go through with it… Ugh, I don’t know how I feel about this. Maybe its the meds that are causing me to feel numb. But then again I haven’t been sure of anything lately. Is it odd I want all the overdose side effects. I want to feel it. Ugh what is wrong with me. I still have a few more pills, I don’t know what I want to do with them to be quite honest. I feel like if I’m this unsure of death maybe I shouldn’t be pushing so heavily towards it lol. Well its too late now. I’m honestly just sick and tired of everything. I just don’t want to try anymore. I’m tired. And I mean really fucking tired.  Guess we will see what happens, or the maybe what doesn’t.

P.S I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for an hour way to relatable. Just wanted to shared it.

– xxcora