Today has been pretty rough.
I woke up really “tired”, i felt like just living was too much effort and that i wanted to die again, after 2 moths being relatively fine. then i remembered my mom telling me that she loved me, that it hurted her to see me like this… and i hated her.
I hated her for holding me here, for preventing me from ending everything, i hated her and everyone else for loving me.
I’m such a piece of crap, i even thought i wanted her to die, just to be free to do what i want.
I shouldn’t have told her anything, i should have jumped at that bridge when i had the chance, i should have kept going through that nerve and cutted right through everything else.
I’m weak and frail, i can’t live without someone holding me from destroying myself, going numb and banging my head against something or cutting my neck.
I hate myself for being like this.
I thought seeking help would save me… what now?, do i need pills? a girl? what do i do to stop feeling like everything i do is useless?, my own body tells me to kill myself, every thought gets me closer. i don’t fear the end anymore, i wish for it with all i have.
Wanting my family to die just to have an excuse for suicide, i’m such a selfish bastard.