orphaner-coolscar

hey all…

i know i said i wouldnt come back here. but i have to get this out there.

it’s been a few years since this fiasco happened: https://suicideproject.org/2014/08/for-those-of-you-who-were-moved-by-the-plight-of-orphaner-coolscar-dont-be/

(exact dates are hazy, my original posts are deleted. i’ll do my best to recap, now that im looking at everything in hindsight, i can give a little more info than i did on the original post.)

in december 2013, i was fourteen years old, and i tried to kill myself. i typed out a long goodbye, i wanted people to know that they should take teenagers + suicide more seriously and that i hoped future kids would be helped more than i was. the suicide was VERY detailed and carried out in a careful manner, but because of some miscalculations, i was saved and survived. after i was sent home from the hospital, i checked the site. 11 comments on my goodbye post.

i was shattered.

11 people cared that i “died”. but that wasn’t good enough for me. so in january 2014, i got on the site and pretended to be my mom, stating something like “oh [orphaner-coolscar] is an angel in heaven now” and so, with that post, i was dead to the community. and part of me was relieved. i got more comments, and i no longer had the obligation to go on the site (which sometimes fed into my suicidal thoughts.)

time passes. i change my deviantart name, i avoid using my email associated with the site. i turn fifteen, i get into a lot of discourse on deviantart, ect. i really didnt learn anything.

and then, user frank einstein found my account, obviously teeming with activity. he sent me a long note there, i cant remember exactly what he said, but i was alerted to the post about me.

anyway, im rambling. basically all that happened, i apologized to people on the site, and then kept off the site and tried to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. there are a million excuses i that i want to make. im borderline, i needed attention. i have low empathy. i dont realize how much i manipulate and lie. i WANT to make those excuses, but i cant. there’s no more hiding under the rug, because this is tearing me up inside.

i want to take FULL responsibility for what i did. it was stupid, it was manipulative, it was disgusting. but not a day goes by that i dont think about the people that i hurt. koji, georgialove, frank einstein + his girlfriend, countless others who had my back in my other posts and were affected severely from this.

it’s 2017 now. i turned 18 a few days ago. ive done a lot of growing up in that timespan. i cut back on lying, i started to view things from other people’s point of view, i started being honest with my support group if i needed attention. i stopped being manipulative and abusive. and it’s really only now that i realize how much damage i did to these people.

i want to say im sorry, and no one is obligated to forgive me. i just had to reach out and put this out in the open, as something i did and i am not proud of.

anyone who was affected by this, i hope you see this and gain some sort of closure. due to the nature of this site, i dont even know if any of you are still alive. but i still hope this reaches you.

thank you.