I’ve had a really rough day today. One of the most fucked up parts was I have to drive a motor scooter like 10 miles each way between my parents houses, which is normally fine. However tonight it was 20 degrees. I was going from my moms to my dads and I noticed it was cold as hell outside, but I rationalized to myself “ah whatever it’ll be fine” About half way to my dads I noticed my hands progressively burning worse and worse and I realized I was fucked. need better gloves. Anyways about 2/3 of the way there my hands were buring like they were on fire. By the time I got there I could bearly move them anymore and I was close to the point of screaming. I have a high pain tolerence so I was surprised just how amazingly bad it hurt. Freezing to death is absolutely on the bottom of my list now. Probably should have stopped in a shop on the way to dethaw but for some reason didn’t. I got home and basically had a panic attack because my hands were still continuing to burn worse even after getting inside. Finally they slowly stopped and I clamed down. Lesson learned, never fuck with winter. Apart from that shit though, I feel like i’ve really crossed over from the thinking about suicide to actually being ready to do it. I’ve got a specific method in mind. I’m just really realizing how sad and lonely my life it. I don’t have any friends left, so I hang out with my sister and her friends, which of course is awkward for everybody. So I mean literally the best times i’ve had lately are getting drunk and stoned with my little sister and her friends or my mom like on Christmas. Anyways, if that doesn’t make me sit back and think “man, what the hell am I doing with my life?” I guess nothing will.
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I’m sorry your life is like that I wish I had some advice…
That’s ok. I really don’t think there is anything anybody could tell me to help anymore anyways. I’ve had my psychiatrist and therapist tell me recently, they don’t know what else to do. People try to help, and I appreciate it, but nobody can really change the way I feel.
Here in Canada we’re more or less used to the cold, however I’ve had days coming home from work around 9pm and the temp outside would be like -30C to -40C and I’d have to clear the car of some ice and snow, it’d get bitterly cold and I’d be shivering most of the way home till the car warmed up enough, fortunately I don’t live too far from work.
So ya I’ve experienced cold that can get very painful. You might’ve been experiencing the beginnings of frostbite. Also since you’re on a scooter, the wind would suck more heat off you as you drive through it. But it’s good you didn’t get any serious injury from the cold.
Sorry to hear that you have no friends, you could try reconnecting with people from your past or make new ones. But I know how tough it can be to form new friendships when you get older. There are ways and there are people in a similar situation to yours. I just have my friends from university but in the future I plan to try to expand my network-get to know new people. Sometimes older relationships can get stale.
Speaking of hanging out with your sister, I used to do that too with my sisters, but mostly cause their friends were hot. They were a richer artsy crowd and had more fun parties than my friends. Makes me miss my high school days.
Sorry to hear you feel at the end of your rope Wolfenstein. I still think you are young enough to bounce back from your troubles, but the strength has to come from inside you. I’ll be thinking of you.
Hey Wolf, before you do anything drastic, if you haven’t already, I encourage you to look back over your history of posts here. I think you have more strength and resolve than you think you do. It’s easy to do that when we’re in the midst of a dark moment and feelings…. sometimes we have to be reminded how far we’ve come and the mountains we suceeded in climbing and the storms we’ve weathered before and made it through. Let your own positive words be your motivation and inspiration again…. see how far you have come and everything it took.
I also need you stick around because I might try med therapy and you seem to have some expertise in that area… I need your knowledge to help me not get so screwed up on some of these pills! 🙂
Hey, thanks 🙂 I was looking through my old posts and I saw alot of optimism hope and improvement. I guess I have been going downhill for a little while, and didn’t see it clearly. I’ve been on tons of meds over the past 10 or so years, so i’ve got a pretty good idea on what does what.
Well what I hope you got by reading your old posts is seeing your incredible resiliency and that the down times may come but they also go.
So how’s about stickin’ around a little longer so I can pick your brain about meds, huh?
Just kidding, your choice is your choice, it’s your perogative and right to do what is right for you. Just know I, for one, hope you stick around and stay “in the ring” with us and keep fighting, cause you’re only on the ropes right now, not down for the count. Not yet.Your feeling down right now, you’re in the deep dark valley, so the next logical thing to happen is things should start to change for the better again. Ride it out man.