I’m just going to be completely honest about where i’m at. I feel that my suicide is absolutely inevitable. I feel like I try to create the motive, drive, or hope to recover and really live. I feel like the truth is I don’t truly care about it. I feel like the pain from what happened with my ex is going to kill me. Her memory haunts me everyday and it is draining me. I listen to songs that make me think of her and make me hurt, but at the same time makes me feel close to her in a way. What happened with her is killing me on so many levels. The sadness about missing her, the inability to move on, the shame from how i’ve hurt her, and the hatred from how she hurt me. To be honest I feel like i’m living without joy or passion, and with no soul left. I keep on going day after day, and I don’t know why I stay. I feel like my only hope for reclaming my life is to reconnect with my truth, hope and passion. I feel like my passion is gone though. I feel like i’ve been alive for much longer than I should have, and I feel like I have passed my reason for being. I do have a few things going for me however. I have lost almost all of my fears. I have been through so much shit in life the normal fears about being killed or injured, the fears that control most people, no longer apply to me. The truth is I really don’t give a fuck if I die, and feel like I have really lived that way. I take enormous risks of severe injury and death on a regular basis and for some reason unknown to me I seem to be immortal. I truly just want to be done with all of this shit. I have recently found a reliable source for 1 gram of 99% pure fentanyl hcl. I have no doubt that taking that would kill me, zero chance of survival. A fatal od on fentanyl is like 1-2mg, so 1000mg would be so far overkill. Truthfully though I hate opiates so I would much prefer some ******** or seconal. I know it’s fucked up that my primary motive to die is what happened with my ex, but that hurts me so bad that I really feel like suicide is my best choice.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
17 comments
Im in the exact same place as you are right now. I feel stupid for allowing so much pain from another person but the love was real. I mean I’ve had a lot of past trama that started my depression but only thing that saved me before was him. Now it’s over and I’m ready to be gone from this pain. So no judgment as to why your here
It’s funny, I was commenting on your recent post saying I feel the same, when I saw your reply to my post. I truly get it. I had so much suffering and pain before I met her. I was living in complete hell on earth. Meeting her was so amazing and healing. I loved her so deeply and I felt like I was reconnecting with joy in life and myself. She said I will always be there for you, I will always love you and I truly believed her. I truly thought she loved me as much as I loved her. I’ll never get over what happened between us. I’m truly ready to be gone as well. She gave me so much hope, and now she literally won’t talk to me, she has changed her phone number, moved to a different state, deleted her facebook, ect. I have told her how I feel about her, how much she means to me, and she literally wouldn’t even reply. The time I spent with her was by far the best time in my life, but I truly wish that I had never met her, because the pain and misery I feel now, leaves me with nothing left but suicide. It’s not even a relieving suicide, it’s a sad, i’ll never see the person I love again, my life is over now suicide.
It sucks so much I completely understand where you’re at and coming from. That’s what I love about sp is I always think I’m the only one who could possibly feel this way and then someone else posts stuff and I’m like life sucks and I’m sorry it sucks for other people but it’s a little comforting to be able to have people who understand
So your back here before 90 days, does that mean you cut out of your treatment early, are you clean now? Or still using.
I feel for you Wolf, I feel like you have so much potential but can’t get out of your own way. If you focused on you and not so much the ex, you might have a shot at feeling better about life.
I know how hard it is to get over a lost love, it’s taken me a long time too with some. There are people better suited for you that would be able to give you the love affection and attention you need. Your ex has made it pretty clear it is over, so you would do yourself a huge favor to just accept it and move on and start your life a new. You don’t have to like it or be happy about it, just accept it. There are other relationships to be had, positive ones, if you give yourself the chance…. but that’s all up to you. Good luck. I wish you well.
Yeah, i’m back early. My plan failed entirely. I know she has made it completely clear that it’s over and to be honest I really hate her for it. I know there are other relationships out there, other women who I could connect with and maybe even be have a healthier relationship. The problem is I have tired moving on and connecting with other people. I have absolutely no feelings for anybody else though. I had one girl spend the night and I wanted nothing more than for her to leave. I kept feeling like I was going to cry cuddling with her, thinking about my ex. Dating somebody else just isn’t going to work, and it’s not fair to the other person. I can’t really be with somebody else if all I can do is feel dissappointed that they arn’t her, and never even feel anything for them. I know you are right though. I should focus on myself, and on moving on, but i’m just not going to be able to do it, although I swear I really have tired.
I remember it took me 5 years once to get over someone. Sounds ridiculous I know, but it took that long to get him out of my system. I forget how many years you said it’s been since you broke up with her.
I do agree with you on one thing. It isn’t fair to start a relationship with someone else if you are still hung up on someone. That isn’t fair, you’re right. You may just need to give yourself more time. You do deserve to be able to move on. I hope you can somehow find the strength to do that. It’s like a door you need to unlock so you can let someone good into your life and that may open up the world to you and well anything is possible… people have been able to turn their life around ya know.
How about your addiction? If I remember correctly you were very much wanting to try the Ibogaine route and we’re very optimistic about it. How did that play out? I am curious because I am not familiar with that form of treatment so I am interested in your experience if your comfortable talking about it that is.
It’s been right around 3 years since we broke up. What happened with the ibogaine is I got it in the mail, and one night decided to take a test dose. I took around 1/3 of the full dose. It took forever to kick in and right as I was starting to think maybe I didn’t take enough to do anything I started feeling it. It was definitely one of the most, if not the most intense experience of my life, in good ways and also extremely terrifying ways. It didn’t really remove or fix my addiction, but it did open my thinking up. I realized that I have become extremely jaded from what happened with my ex and I have been mean and unloving to everyone in my life from it. I realized that I don’t want to be a mean or hurtful person anymore and that I don’t like who I am. The thing was the experience eventually got to my ex. I felt extreme regret for hurting her and I grieved that. I realized how much sadness, fear and loneliness I feel without her. But when I realized the best thing is letting her go, I just completely refused to do it. I don’t think anybody else besides myself can truly see or feel how much she meant to me. I try to explain it to other people but they will never see it, because they didn’t experience the love and connection I shared with her. Basically my ex was the major block to the ibogaine experience. After the experience I decided to write her a christmas letter. I sent it and when I got no reply I said fuck it, relapsed, and picked up where I left off.
Ok I do understand. No one is you and you can’t help feel what you feel. Maybe try getting clean again… sometimes it takes a few tries. You are worth it, your fight for some happiness is worth it. I am here to give you support whether it’s a good day or bad day. I think we all need to let ourselves off the hook once in a while, life is hard enough without putting constant pressure on ourselves more than we need to. I hope you can hang in there. You are someone who obviously is capable of loving very deeply which is a good trait and something there just isn’t enough of in this world…. people like you. Your life has just been hard and brought you to dark places but that doesn’t have to be your identity. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Thanks. I really appreciate your kindness.
Fentanyl ?!!! Damn ! I would do just about anything to get my hands on that !
Where ?
What happened to VSED and the forest? 😉
I had started prepping, but fell really sick (bad cold). Gonna start prepping again in a couple of days.
Stay tuned 😉
I want to tell you, but…
I understand …
According to Punxsutawney Phil there’s 6 more weeks of winter left. (I rarely get a chance to use Punxsutawney in a sentence). Thank you February 2nd.
The little bastard.