I wish I could tell you

I can’t tell you why recently everything inside me has seemed to die because if I could surely I’d have done everything I could to bring it back to life. I can’t tell you why inside my head instead of bright colorful ideas and images I see dull lifeless nothings most of the time because if I could I’d color over all of the darkness and push out the dullness. I can’t tell you why I want to spend all of my time wrapped up in my bed crying. Because if i could surely I would find a way to want to be doing something else. I can’t tell you why I’ve thought of being dead more times then being alive recently but haven’t thought even one single time of harming myself because if I could I would stop thinking like that of course. I can tell you that more times than not I want to be completely gone and invisible and to have never existed because something or everything inside feels completely and utterly broken but at the same time I feel the slightest bit of hope that I can put myself back together. So maybe you can tell me why? Why am I so cold and broken? Just days ago I think I was just fine, but maybe I was never fine and I’ve never really been whole. Maybe this sadness that has finally risen to the surface has always been there deep inside of me and now it is so unbearable that it can’t be hidden any longer. Maybe. It doesn’t matter where it came from I don’t think all that really matters is whether it continues to engulf my very being and pulling me even further down into this dark place where the further I get the more hopeless everything seems. I wish I could ask someone for help but truly there doesn’t seem to be the person out there to help the trouble within me. They would say that I am but just depressed and then hand me a bottle of pills and send me along as long as I promised to take them. That to me is nothing. They’ve done nothing. I’m completely fucking dead on the inside and I need real help I need someone to show me why living is worthwhile and maybe why my life is worth living. I need reasons to live that will push away the dark matter within and fill those spaces with what? I think happiness. I’m not really sure just something. Anything else really. I want to feel things other than dullness and deadness. I want to be alive again.