This is now a mission

What its like to be in your mind, in your shoes, ill never know. Ill never understand what you feel. But in my way, i can relate to what youre saying. Feeling so tired, and done, feeling like your own enemy in this life. So self hating. Feeling possessed too. I have felt/feel those things in my own perspective.
What it feels for you, i cant picture it.
I feel for you that you feel that crushing weight.
If this is the path you choose, if its what you believe is really meant for you, i truly hope that it will bring you the peace you deserve.
Im not going to talk you out of it. You can only make that decision
But give it some time if you can, maybe a few hours, or a day. I dont mean to be a hypocrite because i dont remember this all the time, but it brings me peace: that nothing is permanent. Maybe youve heard that many times..maybe that brings no comfort. & Thats okay
But i just think of how one hour someone can be in utter despair, and a few hours later something amazing can happen that allows you to see color again, even if for a small moment.
What ever you choose to do i just wanted to reach out to you and say, i see you
And hope it all turns out well, whatever that means for you