Apart from one short stop, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Hell, even during my active periods I almost never posted. However, strangely, I feel the need to get some stuff out. Write and release them into the wild.
Lately, I’ve become increasingly worried about time, and everything that goes with it. Two years have slipped through my fingers. Maybe it’s my heavy drinking that’s finally catching up to me, but in all honesty that’s highly unlikely.
I think it’s maybe a larger problem. I think I’m still caught in the past, despite my attempts at cutting all ties to it. Caught in the past while waiting for something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still actively working and progressing “professionally”, but it’s everything else that just stalled. And ironically, it’s everything else that matters the most to me. I’ve never been attracted to fame, fortune, or even great success. I want other things.
Anyway, getting back to time. I often have this thought about me closing my eyes, and when I open them I’m at the end. I look back and see a grey existence, a life that could just as well not have been lived. Or more accurately, a life that could just as well not have been lived by me. We all, after all, have different visions of a good life. This, to me, is something far worse than death. Which makes sense. Most depressives/suicidal individuals don’t fear death, we fear an awful existence. We fear living. However, to clarify, it’s living badly we fear. And that differs from person to person. Currently, I’m living “badly”, and I guess that’s why time feels so quick to me. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism by my brain to fast forward to the “good parts”. But what if there are no “good parts”? That’s something, it’s the only thing, I dread. Maybe I should keep on crawling until I reach a “good life”, but I’m so bone achingly tired. In the end, I guess only time will tell.
Well, I think I’m done with my rambling. Thank you to anyone that read this, even though it’s really not necessary.
31 comments
I still fear death, or maybe it’s non existence I fear. No more me??? Damn the billions of people on this planet will just have to muddle on and try to get by without me. I know it’s gonna be hard for them, but they’ll just have to accept it.
Ah yes, saying some rather than most would have been better. I may have projected my own thoughts a bit too generally.
Yes, I think I am more scared of being alive and being stuck feeling like this the whole time than I am of dying… But maybe not, because I’m still here.
I dislike time. Mostly because I’m just observing it pass by rather than interacting with it.
I don’t know, maybe you’re not afraid of death itself, but actually afraid of eliminating hope. I think it’s often the possibility of things getting better that stops us. No matter how bad it gets, there is always the chance that things can get better. That’s just basic statistics, and we cling to that no matter how bad the odds are.
Ah, I have a love hate relationship with time. I used to like it, but now not so much. As is evident with my post. That makes sense. Time is dynamic, it reminds us that we need to move as well, and if we don’t it creates this tension, maybe even a dread in us. As the old saying goes, “The clock is ticking”.
Maybe you’re right about the hope thing. Idk
Well, I don’t know either. It was just a thought. If I may ask, do you have any thoeries on why you’re still here? You needn’t answer if you don’t want to. It can be a unnerving thing to contemplate.
I guess ties to certain people as well as my dog have a hold on me. Guilt/shame.
Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something, that until it occurs I can’t leave. I’m not sure what the something is. Or if that feeling of waiting is in fact hope
Sweet and Sour Jesus, sorry *theories. Ah, both of those reasons make sense. I don’t fully know if I have any ties that keep me here. Maybe, there are a couple… who knows.
However, I fully know what you mean with waiting for something. It feels like there’s something missing. That this isn’t it. Like I’m watching a movie, but it has crucial parts edited out. Like there is definitely more to this. But, maybe like you said, it’s just hope disguised as this feeling.
Anyway, thanks for answering.
Maybe I’m waiting to actually feel connected to my life… I often feel like I’m watching things from afar.
O, that seems possible. Often we feel that our lives are not our own. I guess it touches on my bad life and good life mumbo jumbo. When we live our lives not like we want to, there’s a good chance that it won’t feel like our own life.
Anyway, I understand with what you mean with feeling like watching things from afar. Feeling a disconnect. That’s one thing I really want. To actually connect with things, and actually stay connected. To feel things and be immersed… but in a good way. To feel like this is truly my own life. Maybe you’re waiting for your own good life?
I don’t know anymore. I don’t necessarily believe I deserve anything “good” anymore, or to feel good. I’m hoping that my point of view changes. I’ve gotten myself into some shitty situations.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Well, I used to believe that no one deserves anything. Things just happen, and that we need to try to set things up so that there’s a greater chance of good things happening. It’s kind of depressing, but it definitely solves your “undeserving” dilemma. These days, I’m doubting that long-held belief, but I think it’s just me being weird. Regardless, I truly hope you find good things and that good things find you. Those shitty situations are in the past. They are only memories now, and you control how great a impact they have on you and your life.
Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m doubtful, but maybe there’s still some hope in this body of mine.
O and sorry. Sometimes I can talk like a second-rate therapist at a seminar held at a motel next to a discount smut shop, which is in full display now. I can think that it can be a bit grating.
Anything specific happen to trigger this weirdness you mentioned? Did something happen that changed your view on the whole deserving thing?
And you talk just fine in my opinion.
Wow, you’re pulling quite a lot out of me. That’s rare, or I’ve just been a bit isolated for too long.
Well, a couple weeks ago I was extremely close to “checking out”. Someone unexpectedly reached out and made me doubt my intentions. After extensive conversations and over a couple of days, that person’s last words to me was that I deserved to live. That concept was so strange to me, but maybe it was true. I don’t know, I’m trying to make sense of things.
Ha, that’s good to hear.
You didn’t believe you deserved to live? Did you have a reason why you felt this way? Or did you just feel that way and it was enough reason to want to check out?
O no, that wasn’t even part of my thought process. I never thought about if I deserved or didn’t deserve to live. That’s why it was such a curve ball, and such a strange concept to me. I had other reasons for wanting to end it.
I see. It’s good that you had someone there that you could talk with about it, and that they maybe helped you see things differently.
Are you feeling any better about the reasons that were pushing you to want to end it?
I guess it was good, and it did shift my perspective a bit. However, that person is not a part of my life, and I can’t count on another intervention. Actually, I wouldn’t want another intervention.
That’s quite tricky. Some days I feel “above” them. However, it’s always there. They still remain. Often it just feels like I covered them. I guess time will tell if I can bury them.
You wouldn’t want someone to reach out and try to help if you found yourself in that space again? Do you wish the person hadn’t intervened?
It’s complicated (damn, I hate that phrase). I’m truly grateful for what person did for me. I’ll most likely never be able to repay them for what they did… maybe in a weird way I’ve already did done so…
However, that person, essentially, went against my wishes when they contacted me. They also offered their help anytime I felt like that again. However, I’ll most likely not contact them again. Anyway, I don’t know if I would refuse any person’s help. This was a unique case. But, in general, I dislike it to involve others in regard to my “issues”.
Why don’t you like to involve others? Do you feel you’re burdening them or something? Are you just private?
And why did you put the word issues in quotations as if your problems aren’t legitimate?
I think it’s a combination of both. I’m extremely private, and I feel like I burden people. I avoid situations where that can even remotely happen.
O, you’re quite perceptive. I think that’s just a bad habit. I, also, try to downplay my own problems.
Are you lonely? Keeping all your problems inside and being closed off with people? Do you interact with people irl?
Yes, I guess I am lonely. However, I’ve gotten used to it. Apart from day-to-day stuff, I don’t interact with people. I almost never interact with people socially, if that distinction makes sense.
It makes sense.
Does it ever bother you that you’ve “gotten used to it”?
Mmm, yes, sometimes it does. I have a distinct feeling that it’s something that you shouldn’t get used to. However, it makes my life easier… being used to it.
In what ways do you believe that it makes your life easier?
If you don’t mind sharing
Well, I don’t experience the typical symptoms that people experience when they are alone. I often spend extended periods of time with no human interaction. So being used to being alone helps. Sometimes there’s a faint feeling of loneliness, but it fades away. I guess it’s just that being used to something that’s the norm in your life is sort of a good thing.
Is it really a good thing though? Comfort/being used to something that’s your norm I mean.
I don’t really know.
Not asking for you to actually answer that, just kind of pondering.
Time is difficult. When things are good it goes fast when things are bad it drudges on so slowly. I dream more like fantasize about death, because although life sometimes has good days the bad days are so much more prominent.
It definitely is. I guess it all depends on perception. We, often, take good moments and things for granted. We let them slip by without actually living them in the moment. On the other hand, the bad things we usually focus on and lament for quite a while. However, almost every person definitely does experience their fair share of bad days. So I guess the trick is to try and even them out, and try to soften the bad days. Easier said than done.