I can’t tell why I’m still with you..

You cheated on me. I think that’s when it all started but maybe I’m wrong and it was sooner than that.  I know though when I found those pictures on your phone and the messages between that everything inside me shut down and that I’ve never once in my life felt that lifeless before. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to live anymore. I know I sound like some dumb girl making it sound like you’re my reason to live but that’s not entire why I felt that way. I felt like everything that was good in the world was now not and everything that made me happy in this life wasn’t anymore. I can’t explain fully how ones body feels when all your self esteem and love for yourself leaves your body but it doesn’t feel good. You tried really hard in the weeks to come to make me feel like you only loved me and that you wouldn’t ever do that again because you now realized that you only wanted me. What was there left to want of me though? I let myself go because of you, I spent my lunch breaks at work crying in my car, I stopped loving myself completely, and the worst part is after all this time has passed… I still don’t have any love for myself and if I wasn’t so weak I would have already left this life. I want to kill myself, I really do. I’ve told you this and you said I was being selfish and what about my friends and family? Well what about them? People die every single day so why can’t I be one of them. Slowly day by day I’m losing more and more of my will to live and you’re not making it any better. I wish you would make me feel like I used to when I was happy but I don’t think you can. I want to trust you again but I don’t think I can.  I want us to be happy but I don’t think we are meant to be. Most of all though I want you to want me like I’ve always wanted you… it’s  so hard to feel happy at all anymore because you took that from me. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough  then and now I feel like I’ll never be good enough at all. I’ve cried so much about how much I hate myself and how much I hate you for making me this way and making me hate myself. I want to starve myself to death. I want to die in a car accident. I want to fall down some stairs and break my neck and not wake up. You’d think I was crazy if I told you this. That’s fine though. Atleast you’d be thinking about me…