I don’t even really know me

?I seem fine when you look at me don’t I? I usually do. I smile and will joke with you all day. I’ll do my job and even exceed at it until it’s time to clock out. then I get in my car and drive myself home where even there I pretend. I pretend to be happy and like everything is good. I’ll complain about stupid things that happened in my work day and continue to put a good show on for everyone around me. Then I even goto bed and have to hold back my tears and brokenness so I don’t keep anyone awake. I wouldn’t want them to know what lies beyond the surface of me. I wouldn’t want to upset their days with the sadness I go through every single day and the hate I feel about myself. I go through every single day like this as all the things I hate about myself continue to grow and the sadness just barely contains itself from leaking into my ‘happy’ show I put on. Until a day comes and they don’t come very often where I am completely alone for the entire day. You’re thinking now that I must spend every minute of my alone days telling myself hurtful things out loud and crying excessively aren’t you? But I don’t I continue to hold it all in for what you ask??? For myself because if I show myself even one day of sadness I know I will never be able to put that happy show on for everyone anymore. I won’t be able to smile or even force myself to. I can’t even be vulnerable around myself because it makes me feel weak. I can never be my true self or show how I’m really feeling. ?