You know what sucks? How doing positive things is actually part of the cycle that will kill me! I don’t just mean in terms of it being part of my futile struggle against the forces of entropy and death. I mean in terms of how I work really hard on things I should, and no one will notice! So the cycle might just stop there.
Better still is how no one thinks I’m going to get better. It’s like the best anyone can hope for is that I won’t manage to kill myself this year. The funny part is that they are right, it will take an amazing team effort which at this point seems impossible to the point of miraculous.
The other funny part is that I got here on my own. I will EVENTUALLY dig myself out or at least to a point I can be happy with. That’s the amazing thing about bottomless despair is that on some level I don’t care what they think. I would like for them to be part of my recovery, but I wouldn’t be in this hole if they had at any point been aware of my struggle. It’s only NOW that they begin to understand the sisyphean task I have to roll my life up the hill to recovery!
However like the philosophical set of essays by a french existentialist that I mention, it DOES NOT MATTER if a meaning to living ever materializes. This is my life sentence. I have on some level come to terms with that. I have no control over the futility of life. In fact I never did. I only control MY outlook. When I understand that pulling myself up is an exercise in futility I also understand I may learn something in the process. It’s possible that this time will be different, for example it is already different in that I understand the cyclical nature of my defeat (and successes). It’s possible at some point I might be able to break the cycle. I think I still view success differently than my “support” does. For example if I find a decent way to die to me that’s a win. For me taking control of even something as minor as whether I live or die is a win.
The point is not to defeat evil, we may never manage that. The point is to give it the middle finger and show to those who toil under it that there is another option. The point is to say to the world I will not go “gently into the night”
“Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”-Dylan Thomas, 1914 – 1953
2 comments
i just want you to know i have read your post. take care
Amen. Keep pushing forward the best way you can. It does seem like an endless cycle of bullshit, but if you don’t try to be positive and keep improving, life will be much harder. For example, if you stop working out and allow yourself to become obese, life will suck! Gotta pick yourself back up and get back on the treadmill or whatever method of working out you prefer. We’re alive, like it or not, so we might as well try to make it as comfortable as possible while we’re still here.