How’d I get back here?

How do you tell someone that you want to die? It’s an impossible conversation to have. Or maybe I’ve just never had anyone in my life that’s worth telling.

I’ve lived a lonely life. Lots of empty and shallow connections to people. I don’t really have another person that I can tell important things to without judgement.

I’ve cut myself a couple of times recently. It felt awesome and reminded me of how good it felt when I was younger. I had more pain back then…. but the release I got from it was still terrific.

I don’t understand what people have against self-harm. It really works for me. The only comparable solution I’ve found is alcohol and drugs, but to me that is more dangerous.

I wish someone would understand me. I wish someone would tell me that it’s okay to want to die. But no one ever tells me these feelings are okay, so they stay inside of me.

I remember when I felt nothing, no emotions at all. It was beautiful and terrifying. I wasn’t really a person at that point. I was a machine. I worked so hard at killing away all of my feelings and finally there was nothing left. I think I need to get back to that point again.