I Want To Die

My life has always been a living hell. Grew up in a dysfunctional family. Suffered a lot of verbal abuse and some physical. It was so bad my friends were scared to come over. That started when I was 8 years old and all that time beforehand, I had a normal childhood. It was when my mom got the new boyfriend shit changed which was when I was 8 and so forth. I was a smart kid and I considered myself smart. A and B student through high school. Had high self esteem. Didn’t have too many friends which didn’t bothered me. Lack of friends made me play the hell out of video games. It was my getaway. No abusive stepfigure trying to bother me. He still did, but hardly because I never came out of my room. Dad was hardly around. I would be lucky to see him once a month. And the best yet, my mom never cared about me. She knew what was going on, and instead of stepping in, just lets it happen. I can never forgive her for that. I guess this stuff matters because it makes you who you are. How you were raised makes you, you. Besides to the point, mentally, I’m strong. Physically no. I suffered a few injuries, which was a right tendon repair on my right middle finger. Cut the whole the finger open to repair it. Now that hurts all the time. I fractured my left pinky and that knuckle, now i feel that all the time. I don’t say how it happened because its lame as fuck. Okay, okay. Catching a football and breaking a window did this shit. Wow, my reasons for being in fucking pain all the time is a window and a football, great story. It hurts so fucking much to clinch my hands. They feel broken and sore. I feel crippled. The pain overwhelmed me so much, I pretty much given up on everything. No job, No girlfriend, hardly ever get out. I live with my dad now and Im 19 years old. If it wasnt for him, i would be on the streets. I hardly do much housework because Im in so much pain. I wake up in pain and shit is here 24/7. So i said i had enough. Chronic pain is a real disease and i dont wish this shit on anybody, it changes you. I slit my right wrist pretty good and did while drunk. Then my dumbass crys for help. I called a friend who called 911. I wasn’t far away. Just a few more deep cuts and I would of bleed out. So i changed the plan. You’re gonna like this one. I bought a pull up bar, the one you hang on a door, tie a rope to it jump the ledge to the stairs. It would work but i *****. I lost consciousness, regained it and climbed the ledge. My will to live is strong, so is my will to die. And their always neck and neck with each other. I think i just need that catalyst. Something that will drive my urge. Maybe its simple and I just have to get wasted, then follow through. I still plan to die. I been living with chronic pain for a year now and I dont see myself making it to see 20. Doctors wont help and Im tired of trying. Tired of livng