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the back story

by sailorsfight

First of all sorry for posting such a lenghty post i just have so much to tell n i havent done it ever before. So forgive me if i am taking too much of your time.
So in my last post i stated that i attempted ending my life, becoz of the person that i loved the most was asking me for what was more the just hurfull but also too damn insane for anybody i guess. But yes i did have to let it on her what she wants and so did she. This all started when she told me that she has started liking this other guy. I got all miserable and attempted suicide, there were other factors too joining the urge to end my life but the most influential was this. Anyways so after me saying okay she can do what she wants. she started hanging out with this guy (literally staying with him) and they had fun every single day, eating and drinking and sleeping together. Goining for movies and lunches and dinners together. They were having the days of their life while i was working my ass off for myself and my family to have any future by any means possible. Anyways so she use to tell me all her happy days with him and their life not even considering how it made me feel and with no empathy or remorse whatsoever and i use to listen to it and my heart would die every single moment. I felt being tortured but still i was hopefull that she would see me someday and understand what she was doing and stop. She use to tell me he use to hit her sometimes and they would fight for petty reasons and she use to give him my example of being kind hearted and being a gentleman and he would still not change, but still she would not leave him. She also told all this to her mother who is a single parent with 3 daughters, anyways her mother would also not say anything about this even when she knew me so well. It was all too intense for me i just didnt want to love and i was lost, but my inner voice would just not stop whispering how much i have loved her and still do. I felt trapped and heart broken and i was almost alone on the ship, my collegues would notice but couldnt help much. My health and mind would be low all the fucking time. I remember i lost almost 10pounds just in a month. I developed early signs of hypertension and later was dignosed with first stage hypertensive at the age of 22. She would continiously email me about how much she loves me but at the same time how much she loves being with the other guy. I remember her her telling me that they have great bed life, on phone. I mean how can a person do that to someone who loves you so much to an extent that they can do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy. Sometimes i felt like killing them both for doing this to me but most of the time ending myself. They were the most depressing days of my life and every day i would feel like i should end it and be free but my past attempt just kept on pulling me apart. Maybe it just how much i loved my family to let it happen kill myself and not realise. I remeber climbing on high structures of the ship and imagining letting go and smash on the deck n die or standing at the stern and imagining to jump above the propeller and just just die instantly or jump off the deck and drown or set fire etc etc.. I was not scared of the pain as such it was just the survival instinct i think.
I finished my contract and came back home. No matter how much pain she was causing me i still went ahead to meet her travelling from one end of the country to another. i stay in a hotel as i couldnt have them in sight together n on that her boyfriend would not like me staying with them, even i was glad i dont have to. The same day they had a fight and she comes to me saying that she miss me and he is not a good person and why cant he be like you, at that point i was just numb and i couldnt say a word. After a while she would leave the hotel and go back to her room and stay with him. I was full of disgust of what i was doing and i thought of ending it a million of times but i couldnt. How could i love her so mich to handle all this and still not give up. The night she came to me and told me that they had another fight n no matter how he is she still went ahead and slept in his arms to make him realise her worth and still he would have an argument, and left me again and went back to him. I remeber crying my eyes out the whole night. I mean it was just too much.
I met this guy the next day as he was in an emergency situation and i had to help. Later that day i packed my bags and went back home. This thing went on for a while till a day i told her that this is shit and i dont care any more she will have to choose and that i am just getting too damn hurt. After a day or so she tells me that she loves me more than him and she wants to be with me. I dont know i didnt have any feeling left till then i guess but i was happy that it will stop now. For a couple of months things went better she was still consoling him as i think he fell for her too. i felt bad for it but i was just too damn confused and miserable i think i had no feelings for him i guess but yes i felt bad. Things were getting better but it was just not the same, i mean how could they be after so much. I dont know from where and why we thought of getting married for things to get better and start fresh, it was so instant that i didnt even realise so soon we got married (without letting our parents know that is) we were too scared. Anyways things were actually getting better. I got another contract and soon i board my ship. Things were good for months.
Till i found out that she was still talking to him and they never actually broke up and were cheating throughout this whole time and the marriage was just a decorative thing. Woah that fucked my head up but m glad that this time it wasent sadness or depression but anger. As soon as my contract was finished i went home and filed a divorse. I told all of it to my family and to my surprise they were supportive more than ever. It took 18moths to get a divorse. M just glad it ended. Have been better than ever since. My hypertension continued for 2 years but i am off meds now since a year.


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Finn 5/10/2017 - 6:51 am

That’s a really painful story and I know most people might say you should’ve dumped her on day 1, but that’s not how love works. When you’re in love you do anything for the other person, and unfortunately sometimes they take advantage of that. Whats interesting is “Woah that fucked my head up but m glad that this time it wasent sadness or depression but anger.”

Anger is the only thing that cuts through depression for me. But the danger is it quickly turns inward if you don’t let go. It sounds like you used it to bust out of depression, then you made your life better (I think you mentioned you found someone else who’s wonderful). That’s the way to do it. You didn’t soak in depression your whole life, and you didn’t turn into an angry nut job either. Emotions serve their purpose in the moment, as long as you have a level head driving them. Sounds like you did it right. I’m still working on things but your story is a great example for all of us how to beat the game.

sailorsfight 5/13/2017 - 8:34 am

Thanks finn, i appreciate your kind words. i really think it worked best for me. I know its a risky thing to let your anger take on to your feelings when depressed but it does help right. I so wish we all who have gone and are going through disturbing lives get atleast a sign of hope to well a livable future so that we can punch through all this.

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